the Official CHR joke page duel

a Ozzie friend sent this to me:

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know $#!t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Towd,,when we tell that one,we reverse the roles..of course.:LOL:.

LENA and OLE ---

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole

and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

tractor and took her

to the hospital to have their

first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor

looked over at Ole and

said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!

' Well, Ole got excited by dis,

but yust den the doctor spoke

up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!

' The doctor den held up

a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole!

You got you a daughter!

' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this,

an then the doctor said,

'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't

done yet!' The doctor then

delivered another boy and said,

Ole, you yust had yourself

another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought

Lena and their three Children

home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked

Lena , 'How come we got tree on

the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night

we ran out of Vaseline and You vent

out in the garage and got dat dere

3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!

It's a darn good ting I didn't get

the WD-40.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Relax, here's our real problem.

In a Michigan State University classroom, they were discussing
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty
simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35
years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair
the requirement to be a natural born citizen was. In short, her
opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals
from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit
the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a
natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 18 to 21-year-olds that just voted in
our last election!

They breed and they walk among us... !!!! Be worried! Be very worried.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom
of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited , he was approached by a man who asked ,
"Son , can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied ,
"Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said , "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww , come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

A baby bird is left alone in its nest high in a tree. The bird is unhappy in the cold nest, and begins chirping loudly in distress. When no one comes to his aid he climbs over the edge falling to the ground.
He’s now out of the nest, but he’s still cold. So he begins chirping again. A cow nearby hears the little bird, wanders over, sees the bird shivering and drops a big steaming cow pie on the bird.
The little bird is now all toasty warm, but he’s still unhappy and continues to chirp at the top of his lungs.
Hearing the little bird from a distance, a coyote wanders over. He plucks the bird from the cow pie, brushes him off… and swallows him down in one gulp.

The moral of the story?

People who throw dirt on you aren’t always trying to hurt you.
And people who get you out of a jam aren’t always trying to help you.

But the main point is:

When you’re up to your nose in sh*t….. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RestoRod

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ....... a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington

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Just found this...(yeah yeah, I'm a bit slow,) but there's also a colective noun for bank managers...a wunch.
As in a wunch of bankers.

The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

Dear God: It's me, the Dog

Dear God: Is it on purpose that our names
are spelled the same, only in reverse?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar,
the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray,and the
rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog?

How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We love a nice car ride! Would it be so hard to
rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest
and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Here is a list of just some of the things
I must remember to be a good Dog:
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats
it or after he throws it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside,
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living
room, and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',
so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.


P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back? :D

Just logged on,,this is no joke....Someone has picked up my favorite forum,and dropped it on its head...I cant find anything,,and to make it worse,I have to hit the refresh button,sometimes twice,,to get anything to pop up...Hullo,,just hit the go advanced button,,and it seems to have come right..Scary...:eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lamin8r

Just logged on,,this is no joke....Someone has picked up my favorite forum,and dropped it on its head...I cant find anything,,and to make it worse,I have to hit the refresh button,sometimes twice,,to get anything to pop up...Hullo,,just hit the go advanced button,,and it seems to have come right..Scary...:eek:

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Robin - I would guess that it is most likely your local service provider. I've been on and off all day with no problems. Sunspots over the South Pacific maybe???