the Official CHR joke page duel

So, Wee Jimmy comes home from Church with a black eye.
His dad says, "Jimmy, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
Wee Jimmy says, "But Dad, it wisnae my fault."
"We were all in church saying our prayers."
"When we all stood up I noticed my teacher in front of me had her dress in the cheeks of her bottom."
"I reached over and pulled it out and that's when she hit me!"
"Jimmy," says his dad. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
So, the very next Sunday Jimmy comes home with the other eye black and blue.
Jimmy’s dad says, "Jimmy, I thought we had a talk!"
”But Dad," says Jimmy, "It wisnae my fault."
"There we were in church saying our prayers and when we all stood my teacher in front of us had her dress in the cheeks of her bottom again.”
”My pal Tam, who was sitting next to me, saw it and he reached over and pulled it out."
“Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

HELGA NEEDS A BEER....


It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter den hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied,"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?

I was at the local swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky leak in the deep end. The life-guard must have noticed. He blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

If this is "LOOSE GRAVEL" I don't wanna be anywhere near "FALLING ROCKS"!!
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Originally Posted by rspears

If this is "LOOSE GRAVEL" I don't wanna be anywhere near "FALLING ROCKS"!!
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Attachment 74198

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Is that like "Honkin" being a Technical Term??? LOL

I'd say calling that loose gravel would be the epitome of understatement!

I read a 'Teach Yourself How To...' book the other day.
This one taught you how to fall down stairs.
It teaches you step by step.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rspears

If this is "LOOSE GRAVEL" I don't wanna be anywhere near "FALLING ROCKS"!!

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This made me chuckle as back when I was around 8 years old we lived in the mountains, and when we would drive to town there would be "Look for Falling Rocks" signs-,
My Dad told me that they were for "Big Chief Falling Rock" and that I should watch out for him-this went on for years, and I was so gullible!
So, when my boys were growing up I decided that it was time for my fun, and I told them the same story-,my oldest looked at me wide eyed and said "I saw him just last week!!"
It was priceless!

I continued on with my games (being a Grandpa is so much fun!) and recently one of my Grandaughters asked me where Tapioca comes from (as she was eating it)-I told her it came from the Tapioca Bird and she probably shouldn't eat it because of how it was produced-I'm such a stinker!!
You should have seen her reaction when she found out I was pulling her leg!

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Originally Posted by 35WINDOW

So, when my boys were growing up I decided that it was time for my fun, and I told them the same story-,my oldest looked at me wide eyed and said "I saw him just last week!!"
It was priceless!

I continued on with my games (being a Grandpa is so much fun!) and recently one of my Grand daughters asked me where Tapioca comes from (as she was eating it)-I told her it came from the Tapioca Bird and she probably shouldn't eat it because of how it was produced-I'm such a stinker!!
You should have seen her reaction when she found out I was pulling her leg!

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OH, Yes you are! :eek::LOL::eek::LOL:

My Grandpa convinced me that he changed the high beams by flicking his fingers at the dash.

No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't make it work.

A door to door salesman was driving down a country road one day when he came upon a chicken that was really running fast. Salesman tried to pass the chicken when he noticed the chicken had 3 legs. and the chicken was keeping right up at 50 mph. Salesman speeds up to 70 and the chicken passes him and cuts off to the right up ahead so the salesman follows and comes to a farm down the road and stops. He asks the farmer if he saw a 3 legged chicken.
''Yes'' said the farmer.
''Is that your chicken?''
''Yes ''replied the farmer.
''Why does it have 3 legs?'' asked the salesman.
''Well I bred that chicken to have 3 legs'' says the farmer.
''Why would you do that?'' asked the salesman.
'' Its simple really. my wife likes the drumstick, and may son likes the drumstick and I like the drumstick. so with a 3 legged chicken we can all have a drumstick.'' replied the farmer.
''How do they taste?' 'asked the salesman.
'' We don't know since we haven't ever been able to catch one.'' said the farmer.

tastes like chicken?

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Originally Posted by 34_40

tastes like chicken?

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Isn't that the answer for a lot of questions?

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Originally Posted by rspears

Isn't that the answer for a lot of questions?

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I use that line constantly! Helps keep me out of trouble I think. 8-)

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that.”