It must be a tourist bus taking passengers door to door.
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It must be a tourist bus taking passengers door to door.
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A man asked a fairy to make him desirable and irresistible to all women.
So she turned him into a credit card.
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I just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night I'm not covered.
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A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
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What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
U. C. L. A.
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An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two women named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age, it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
All y'all are welcome!
Attachment 75997
Two old cowboys are lost in the desert. After wandering around for hours, no food, no water one looks out and sees a tree that's covered with slices of bacon!!
"Look!! It's a Bacon Tree!" he exclaimed, and he rushed to the tree only to be met with bullets from all directions!
His partner shook his head in dismay. "He wouldn't wait! I knew it wasn't a Bacon Tree! It was a Ham Bush!!!"
I was in a cafe this morning happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police.
Said I was dunkin' disorderly.
I was in a cafe this morning happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police.
Said I was dunkin' disorderly.
tell a bad joke once is OK but it is not going to get better the second time
just kidding keep up the good work
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Originally Posted by TOW'D
:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL: Now That's funny!!! :LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
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Sorry jb ;)
Try this one then...
A couple's once-happy married life nearly hit the rocks due to the constant presence of old Aunt Emma in their household. For seventeen long years, she lived with them, perpetually crotchety and demanding.
Eventually, Aunt Emma passed away. On their way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife stared at him in shock. "MY Aunt Emma!" she exclaimed. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"
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one morning a blind bunny was hopping down a bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake and fell kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny, "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was my fault, I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well I don't really know," said the bunny...I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy nose...you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But by the way what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know either and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny had finished, the snake said, "Well what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...you must be a politician..."
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