the Official CHR joke page duel

Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because it soots him.

What's it called when you have a fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia.
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Where would you find a snowman dancing at Christmas?
At a snow ball.
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The police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even have bikes!
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How much did Santa have to pay for his sleigh?
Nothing! It's on the house!
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Santa.
Santa who?
Santa Christmas card to you!
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree!

'That's all folks!'
jb.
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Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. After several hours, the two men of the family come back, smiling and tired. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1 !"

Mike P., was yours? LOL

Q: Why blind people do not sky dive?





A: It scares the shit outta the dog.

It is said that President Lincoln was accepting visitors one afternoon, and as the wife of one of his supporters approached, he took her hand, looked into her eyes and remarked, "Madam, when I look into your eyes it's as if all time stops." The matronly lady, not known for her looks, swooned, thanked the President for his kind welcome and walked away feeling very pleased with herself.

A bit later, an aide mentioned to the President, "Mr. President, I was surprised with your welcome to Mrs. Smith, professing her beauty!"

"My good man, I'm not sure what you mean", said the President. "I believe that I told Mrs. Smith that she had a face that would stop a clock!!"

When I first started work at Zenith in 1973 I worked on a chassis assembly line. One day the gal to my right was out sick so one of the replacement filled in for her. This gal liked to sing and she wasn't to bad but I'd heard much better. After a couple of hours listening to her I looked over and said "You know once upon a time I wished I could sing. now I damned sure wish you could". I don't tgink she ever spoke to me again.

Two boys walked into the small-town drug store, and the older one picked up a small box of Tampax, walked back and placed it on the counter beside the cash register. The pharmacist, old enough to be their grandfather, looked down and with a smile asked, "Do you know how to use these, son? How old are you?"
The older boy replied, "I'm 9 sir, and I'm not sure. They're not for me."

"Oh, are they for your mother, or perhaps your sister?", the pharmacist asked.

"Oh no sir, they're for my little brother. He's 4."

Holding back his laugh, the pharmacist asked with a bigger smile, "And why does your little brother need this?"

Confident with his answer, the older boy answered, "We were watching TV and they said if you have this you can swim, play tennis, or even ride a bike, and he can't do any of those things yet!!":LOL::LOL::LOL:;)

A man sat on his front porch, staring dejectedly at the ground. His neighbor, noticing his gloomy demeanor, walked over to check on him.
“Hey, what’s got you so down?” the neighbor asked.
The man sighed, barely lifting his eyes. The neighbor tried again, but the man just shook his head.
Finally, the neighbor persisted, “Come on, what happened?”
The man sighed deeply and said, “I messed up. I answered one of those tricky questions women ask, and now I’m in the doghouse."
“What kind of question?” the neighbor asked, curious.
“My wife asked me if I’d still love her when she’s old, fat, and ugly.”
The neighbor chuckled, “That’s easy! You just say, ‘Of course, I will.’ Problem solved!”

The man shook his head and groaned, “Yeah, that’s what I *meant* to say. But what actually came out was, ‘Of course, I do.’”

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She and I went to a cafe today.
Two waitresses were having a massive row over how long to leave a tea bag in the cup.
It got so bad it ended up in violence.

The manager came over and apologised to us and said that it had been brewing for ages.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue.
Then he said to the statue:
‘I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s house and nobody offered me anything!!'

A Genie granted me just one wish, so I wished to be happy.

Now I live with six dwarves and work in a mine.
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