Dear friends,
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the @#*& out of me!
So that's it!
After today, no more reading!!!!!
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Dear friends,
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the @#*& out of me!
So that's it!
After today, no more reading!!!!!
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education."
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says "I am not American, I am Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further and stops the next person he sees, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America."
That person puts up his hand and says " I am from the Middle East, I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"
She says "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says "Probably at work."
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Doberman Pinscher: Leave it out. I prefer to work in the dark...
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: I thought it got dark out there, but you know, from under here, it's so hard to tell.
Puli: You know, thees lighteengs appeel to my deep, roMANteek soul. I weell put on a leetle geepsie music for you, my dear. Then maybe we cry a leetle together, no?
Alsatian (German Shepherd): Who turned out the lights?! Nobody move! You're all under arrest.
Junkyard dog: Hey, don't throw away that burned-out bulb. We can use that.
Any cat: You there, Alsatian, get the ladder. Irish setter, fetch the spare bulb. No, not a 60-watt you idiot. 100-watt. Do I have to do everything....?!!!
Two youths were arrested in Mexico
One was drinking battery acid and the other was snorting gunpowder.
The Police charged one and let the other off.
:)
new visegrips
No offense, but shouldn't it readQuote:
Originally Posted by 42K3
The Police charged one and lit the other off.
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the heck -They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women .
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. ; I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right - a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?
Bill Clinton
> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
> woman waving at him.
> She says hello. He's rather taken back because he
> can't place where he knows
> her from.
>
>
>
> So he says, 'Do you know me?'
>
>
>
> To which she replies, 'I think you're the father
> of one of my kids.'
>
>
>
> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
> unfaithful to
> his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from
> my bachelor party that
> I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
> watching while your
> partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
>
>
>
> She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries,
but, now we know...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .. you're a pansy.
If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you
should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...
you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...
you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.
If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.
Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.
Well that pretty much sums it up!
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11
year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked
him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten
T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure
it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little
shit.............
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
SCHOOL -- 1958 vs. 2008
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958
- Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008
- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to
jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958
- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 -Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should hit every e-mail to show how stupid we have become!
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmin and wrappin hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
Life be Good down on de bayou.
A recent study found the average American walks
about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average,
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41
miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.