Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Dam Duane Your Going To Give Away All Our Secrets

Bored?? Try these!!



WARNING!!! Some of these acts may result in people chasing you, their use of profane language, and/or hurling large heavy objects through the air at you are possible outcomes as well. Your best defense is to wear your running shoes and always have an escape route planned.



1) Buy large quantities of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This can be extremely effective if you are having a yard sale.)

2) Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think!”

3) Signal a conversation is over by quickly clamping your hands over ears and repeatedly saying “Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah”

4) Park your car on the side if a busy road, put on your sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars just to see if they slow down. (works even better if you rent a policeman Halloween costume)

5) Go to the local mall, approach complete strangers and ask “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”. If the person answers you, execute the procedure in #3.

6) Go to the local electronics store. Adjust the tint on all of their T.V.’s so that all of the people are green. When an employee asks what you’re doing, insist that you “like it that way”

7) Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask “Are you sure?” (This is NOT recommended in biker bars or redneck hangouts!!!!)

8) Sing along at the opera.

9) Have co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

10) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the exit screaming “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

11) When you draw money out at the ATM, jump up and down screaming “I won!, I won!”

12) Every time someone asks you to do something, look at them and ask “Would you like fries with that?

13) In the memo field of all your checks write “for sexual favors”

14) Put decaf in the office coffee maker for 3 straight weeks, once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, suddenly switch to Espresso.

15) Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

16) When in a public restroom, cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

17) Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out (This one is great to teach nieces and nephews)

18) When someone says “Have a Nice Day” casually stroll away saying “Nope, I have other plans”

19) Send your toddler to preschool with all of their clothes on backwards, like nothing is wrong. (get creative with this one).

20) Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” (Make sure you are out of your wife’s striking range when you do this, otherwise the outcome will likely be quite unpleasant).

Daddy, how was I born?
>
> DAD SAYS:
>
> Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
> anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got
> together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date
> via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
> We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
> agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I
> was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
> us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to
> hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed
> little Popup appeared and said:
>
> You've Got Male!

> A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a
> secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a
> group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were
> instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should
> be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was
> frantic.
>
> Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously,
> "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her
> little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out
> free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
>
> "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she
> continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer
> made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got
> to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so
> old... how do you do it?"
>
> Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures
> and suck 'em dry!"
>
>

HEhehehehehehe. That's too funny.

Man, that Jeremiah. The stinker fell asleep right in the middle of the installation of my scanner. Now I'll never get hooked up. I rely on him to read the instructions. Heheheheh

Originally posted by DennyW
Looks like you'll have to wait until AFTER the nap to finish, hahaha

Yeap, Now he's wide awake and either he or me is drunk cause I can't understand a thing he is saying.

say what you feel

Oh I'm Never Any Good Until My First Cup Of Coffee

Thanks for the great jokes
here is my offering
Happy new year

A farmer got in his Chevy pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the
farmhouse door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Ma here?"
"No sir, she ain't her neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Olie? Is he here?"
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to
himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools
are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother
Olie getting my daughter, Suzie Mae, pregnant.
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really
don't know how much he gets for Olie."

hank

Oh yeah ya gots ta love them rednecks

>> >> >A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
>> particularly
>> >> >dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
>> > dollars
>> >> >for dinner.
>> >> >
>> >> >The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
>> >> >you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to
>> > stop
>> >> >drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
>> >> >
>> >> >"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I
>> >> >don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just
>> > to
>> >> >stay alive."
>> >> >"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
>> > the
>> >> >man asked.
>> >> >"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
>> >> >years!"
>> >> >
>> >> >"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
>> >> >food?" the man asked.
>> >> >"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
>> > man.
>> >> >
>> >> >"Well," said the man, "I'm going to give you the money, and I am also
>> > going
>> >> >to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless
>> > man
>> >> >was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I
>> > know
>> >> >I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied,
>> >> >"That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up
>> >> >drinking, gambling, golf, and sex."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and

goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there

wearing

dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything

about

this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if

you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to
know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but

drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot

Shakespeare

graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good

all

around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She

says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he

says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At
first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the
blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up
the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please.

"The woman is totally

\confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale f $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and
reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50."

Originally posted by john gemmer
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?she asked.

Hunting flys,he responded.

Oh,killing any? she asked.

Yep, 3 males and 2 females, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, how can you tell?

He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

hank