Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks "Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies "Yep...my bike's parked over there," andpoints to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least four packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and a couple of cigars in the evening while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."



A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore.
He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them in her husband`s drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made love.
The next night she put two viagra`s in his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next night she said "What the hell!" and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee.
Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient`s progress. The woman`s son answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was going, the boy replied, "Mom`s dead, Sis left home, the maid`s pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked in the yard yelling,
"Here, kitty, kitty."


An elderly gent was invited to his old friends` home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and it seemed they were still very much in love.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it`s wonderful that, after all the years you`ve been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said."I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."











A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what The admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
"The teeth," she answered.










An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody.









A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked,
"What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108, we do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."








Two elderly women were out driving in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stop light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. And again, they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.
So, she turned to the other women and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?? You could have killed us!!
Mildred turned to her and said, " Oh shit, am I driving?

wow Nineftfreak some good jokes there
my offering

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde

waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street

and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the

middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg

was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood

everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my

training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from

fainting!"

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they`re making a puppy" said the boy`s father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents` room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy`s mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn`t sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy`s father, now confident that this would satisfy his son`s curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y`know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I`d rather have a puppy".











Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.
The boss says, "You know Hung, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."







Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve's widow.`"
She said, "`No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"









One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed four or five times."






New beer warnings
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.








Signs that your drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive
14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.







5 Counterproductive pick-up lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.






A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting! at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate".

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I`ll make you a deal. I`ll open this alligator`s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He`ll then open his mouth and I`ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator`s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I`ll pay anyone $100 who`s willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I`ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".









A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub that was hopping with music and dancing. Every now and than the lights would go out followed by an eruption of cheer from the crowd. When somebody noticed the pastor however, the revelry stopped and the room got very quiet.
Feeling awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"For heavens sake, why not?"
"Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I'm afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She is only wearing a fig leaf over her......."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
And still feeling very self-conscious in the quiet room he entered the men's room. After a few minutes he emerged and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause. Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink, on the house.
"I don't understand," the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender, "What happened?"
"They know you're one of us now," the bartender replied.
"How?"
The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. "When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, all the lights go out."







A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."
The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Dodge, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Dodge lately?"
Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."
The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "A Bud Light please."
The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."









A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."


A blind man walks into a bar, taps the woman next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The woman says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The woman behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and she is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The woman sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."







This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him." Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.
The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.
The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.
The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.
After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"
The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"


There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."









A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."









A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"



A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?” “I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.
"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.
"Shut up! You're next!






A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells, "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"








A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''







A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit down next to each other, get to talking and their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies with the other pirates.
The sailor notices that the pirate has an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg and asks, “How did you get the peg leg?”
The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and flated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”
The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow. That's very exciting. But how about the hook?”
The pirate smiles, shining the hook a bit, “When I was swordfighting with a pirate from our enemy ship for treasure, he took it right off.''
The sailor's eyes were wide with awe at how badas this pirate was, and he asked,
How did you get the eyepatch?” “Well,”says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull shit in my eye.”
The seaman looks puzzled: “You lost an eye from gull shit?”
The pirate sighed and shook his head. “It was my first day with the hook








A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"







A Very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the Bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives...she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the Manager?" she asks..softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the Bartender replies. "I need to speak to him," she says....running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid you can't," breathes the Bartender. "I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily...popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the Bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers..."There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."






Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you`re drunk!"

oldie but goodie

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
.
.

.
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.
.
.
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The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

There was this dear little old lady who took her pet duck to the veterinarian 'cos it wasn't too flash. The vet put the duck onto a table, where it promptly fell on its side, gave one little puff, and expired.
"Sorry lady," said the vet,"but your duck is dead."
"No! No!" she cried,"It may be just unconcious, or in a coma, do something!"
So the vet left the room, and came back with an old black Labrador, who got up on his hind legs at the table, sniffed the duck from head to tail, looked at the vet and shook his head. So the vet took the dog out and returned with with a cat which he placed on the table. The cat too sniffed the duck from head to tail, looked at the vet, meowed softly and shook its head.
"No, I'm sorry, but it's dead."said the vet.
He then turned to his computer, punched a few keys, and handed a piece of paper to the dear little old lady.
"What!" she said, plainly shocked, "$250 to tell me my duck's dead!"
"No, to tell you it's dead was $25, the rest is for the lab report and the cat scan."

johnboy

The Official Rules of Manhood:

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>
> It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>
> 1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
> 2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
> 3. After wrecking your boss' car.
> 4. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
> 5. When she is using her teeth.
>
> Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
>
> Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
>
> If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
> Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
> However, complaining is allowed if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
> No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
>
> On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
>
> When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
>
> You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.
> If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
> It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.
>
> Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
>
> Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
> Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, ever. Issue closed.
>
> If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>
> Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
> A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
>
> Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.
>
> If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
>
> Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
>
> Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
>
> 1. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
> 2. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
> 3. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
> Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>
> Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
>
> The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
>
> It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive > yours.
>
> Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
>
> The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
>
> There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics, ever.
>

It was a small town and the policeman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.

"Are you Ladies trying to steal this car"?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting...

guaranteed Weight Loss
>>
>>
>>
>> A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs.
>>
>>
>> As he wondered how the heck he would do it,
>>
>>
>> he comes across an ad in the newspaper for a
>>
>>
>> GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
>>
>>
>> Guaranteed. "Yeah right!" he thinks to himself.
>>
>>
>> But desperate, he calls them and subscribes
>>
>>
>> to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.
>>
>>
>>
>> The next day there's a knock at his door,
>>
>>
>> and there stands a voluptuous, athletic,
>>
>>
>> 19 year old young woman dressed in nothing,
>>
>>
>> but a pair of Nike running shoes,
>>
>>
>> and a sign around her neck.
>>
>>
>> She introduces herself as a representative
>>
>>
>> of the weight loss company.
>>
>>
>>
>> The sign says,
>>
>>
>> "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
>>
>>
>> Without a second thought he takes off after her.
>>
>>
>> A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
>>
>>
>> he finally catches and has his way with her.
>>
>>
>> After she leaves, he thinks to himself,
>>
>>
>> "I like the way this company does business!"
>>
>>
>>
>> The same girl shows up for the next two days
>>
>>
>> and the same thing happens.
>>
>>
>> On the fourth day he weighs himself,
>>
>>
>> and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
>>
>>
>>
>> He calls the company,
>>
>>
>> and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
>>
>>
>> The next day there's a knock at the door,
>>
>>
>> and there stands the most stunning, sexy woman,
>>
>>
>> he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok
>>
>>
>> running shoes and a sign around her neck that says,
>>
>>
>> "If you catch me, you can have me."
>>
>>
>> He's out the door like a shot.
>>
>>
>> This girl is in excellent shape and it
>>
>>
>> takes him a while to catch her, but when he does,
>>
>>
>> it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
>>
>>
>> For the next four days, the same routine happens,and mu ch to his
>> delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself,
>>
>>
>> and finds he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
>>
>>
>>
>> He decides to go for broke, and calls the
>>
>>
>> company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
>>
>>
>> "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone,
>>
>>
>> "this is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely,"
>>
>>
>> he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
>>
>>
>>
>> The next day there's a knock at the door.
>>
>>
>> When he opens it, he finds a muscular GUY,
>>
>>
>> standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes,
>>
>>
>> and a sign around his neck that reads,
>>
>>
>> "If I catch you, you're mine."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. "I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"








kid has a point....i have never figured out why short hair is such a good or proffessional thing when so many of our great people had long hair and big beards, i my self will one day have a huge beard and maybe long hair (it's a hassle to wash.....lol).

7 quick laws

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.
5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him...get a good lawyer...keep his/her house




A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."




A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?
The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean Puffy Combs for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars? The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn`t pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Puffy for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I`d be nuts to pass that up!"
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.
The father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we`re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we`re living with two hoes."



Truths for whites, blacks, and latinos.


10 TRUTHS BLACK AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
Elvis is dead.
Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
Jesus was not white.
Skinny doesn't equal sexy.
A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
Thomas Jefferson had black children.
An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
Kissing your pet is not cute.
Rap music is here to stay.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT LATIN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
Chicken is food, not a roommate.
'Jump out and run' is not in any insurance policies.
Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
Hickey's are unattractive.
Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
10 people to a car or home is considered too many.
Jesus is not a name for your son.
Maria is a name, but not for every other daughter.
Letting your children run wildly through the store can get your BUTT whooped.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
Tupac is dead.
Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
Having a ring on every finger is too much.
O.J. did it.
Teeth should not be decorated.
Breaks are usually for 15 minutes.
Jesse Jackson will never be President.
RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).
Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
Your Pastor doesn't know everything.




Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched."
Billy is last to speak. He says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."







A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."





Jokes: 17 things the perfect girlfriend would say:
1. I'll swallow it all - I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my fanny.
4. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porn film, a case of beer and have my best friend over for a threesome.
5. If I don't get to blow you soon I'll kill myself!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch you and your mates watch sport and serve the beers to you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to the porn channels.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girl friend?
11. Let's go shopping so you can look at the women's asses.
12. I love it when you play golf on Saturday - I just wish you had time to play on Sunday too!
13. Darling, our new neighbor's daughter is sun bathing again - come see!
14. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
15. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new gadgets.
16. That was a great fart! Do another one.
17. I signed up for Yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.






A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.
Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.
The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches.
Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you
will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control
panel: Norm, Hi and Max

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Hope this brightened your day. I don't pass many around, only the good ones, and most of 'em ain't.