Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I s topped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed t hree large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. < BR>
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I
quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'




Pat

Why you never Question a Drunk

Suzy was shopping at the local supermarket the other day where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that? "

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A little bit of History....... A condensed version of history

For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Holly wood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.

....beer + wheel .....the result being a scum sucking low-life leach known as a lawyer. Jerry

Originally Posted by bannedleader

....beer + wheel .....the result being a scum sucking low-life leach known as a lawyer. Jerry

Must be a story there

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went
up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST
YEAR.' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot
from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL
MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke
my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it
was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Beware!!!!!!!
Wal-mart is selling lounge chairs made in China ,

and the plastic is very very cheap and thin.
Purchase at your own risk.

Now you did it; I'll have to call the wife and have her meet me for lunch.

Is that a crab reaching for something to eat?

Originally Posted by TyphoonZR

Is that a crab reaching for something to eat?

"Careful, please don't throw your tooth picks in the latrine....crabs can pole vault!"
Dave Rabbit, Viet Nam

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY.....
You Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an

important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking

place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

ababab

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."


Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

ababab

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"


"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"




ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"


"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

ababab


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"


"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

ababab

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.


Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental proportions;
They don't know whether to vote for the 'Nut' with two Boobs or the 'Boob' with two Nuts.

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals. King Kong, an Ape,
an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by. They decide to compete to see who
is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.





















If your answer is:

Orangutan = you're dull & normal

Ape = you're a moron

Monkey = worse, you're an idiot

King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid

Why?????

A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas! Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received
the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.


Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior
and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


Regards,
Walmart

Golf accident

>

>

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in

> horror as her ball headed dir! ectly toward a foursome of men playing the

next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands

together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in

agony.

>The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began

> to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I

> know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

>

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

>

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,

> still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,

> however, he finally allowed her to help.

>

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the

> side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered

> tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does

that feel?'

>

He replied, 'It feels great, but ! I still think my thumb's broken.'