Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective

look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country

and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd

choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns

and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those If

you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who

ya' are.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the

phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10

Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter

Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart

and still get a lump in your throat when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great

respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned a flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid

to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to

do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

A glossary of common tools required for the building and maintaining of hot rods:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vehicle which you had carefully parked in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Can also be used to cut its own power cord.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used to pinch soft flesh into blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Additionally useful for trimming fingernails below the growth line.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you wish to remove the bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

METAL SNIPS: A tool used for cutting crooked lines in metal where you want straight ones.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and perfect good flesh, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, both breakable and the next tool that you will need!

I don[t remember if this one is on here, and too lazy too look!!!! Anyway, my friend Deb sent me this the other day:



UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!



If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a
tray, because you are dead.


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of
a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their
car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people
near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and
tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been
standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small Canadian flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache. "

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

...were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Hey Restorod, do they sell those wipers at autozone or o'reilly's? I could really use some for my camaro.

[quote=Sinister;335029]Hey Restorod, do they sell those wipers at autozone or o'reilly's? I could really use some for my camaro.[/quote


I don't think so Sinister.....strictly a specialty shop item.

Yellow, that washer would also be a good de-icer for cold mornings.

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*


In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. !

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this h appens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their b utts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, 'she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

I was at a drive in movie it was cool outside so my date and I were cuddled up
She had some nice perfume on just behind her ear I said what is that she said its called DESIRE $10.00 an ounce
Then I smelled her neck and I said what is that She said that is my LOVE $18.00 an ounce
after about an hour I had 4 or 5 buttons undone on her top and I said what is that She Replied That is MY SIN (OH BOY HOMERUN FOR ME)

Then all of a sudden She set up and said
WHAT IS THAT I SAID .........PINTO BEANS 2 POUNDS 99 CENTS
We left early DARN

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
party..

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son,
what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., so drunk and out of your
mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then
you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies,
'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone
bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat. It seems that
everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of
the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied,

'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'