Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?
Well......you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome,
dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! ' he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1975. Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit,

bastard asked..

'what subject did you teach

One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .....We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'



'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times..'

"Hilarious" IMHO

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713

Once there was a young man who had decided that he wanted to become a monk, he walked up the mountain and knocked on the massive door, and when the head Monk answered, he told him why he'd come. The head monk told him it took 20 years but he still wanted to do it, so after some rituals, the head monk told him, You have to take a vow of silence for 5 years, then when you come to me you can say 2 words Only. Well at the end of 5 years the young man came down and said, "FOOD COLD" !
The monk told him to go away and do not speak for another 5 years, so he left, Finally after the second 5 years he was allowed to say 2 more words,,, he said "BED HARD"! The monk explained that they All sleep on the same kind of bed and sent him away for a 3rd 5 years with no talking, the young man thought he's Never get through the next 5 years but he made it, and upon meeting with the Monk, his 2 words were "I QUIT"! to which the Monk replied,,,,,, "Well I'm Not surprised, You ain't done nothing but Bitch since you Got here" !!!!!!
_________

Since nearly everyone has an interest in education I thought this may explain the changes in teaching from the middle of last century through to the middle of this.



1. Teaching Maths In 1950s

A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What
is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1970s


A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or
$80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1980s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No


4. Teaching Maths In 1990s


A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is
$20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2000s


A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it's ok).


6. Teaching Maths In 2050


هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار . تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً . كيف الكثير من المال ولم؟

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
"Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink, the bartender says. "In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says
"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you." and orders a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
"Sonny," the old woman replies, "when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. "Holding your water however, is a whole other issue "

Differences Between You And Your Boss

If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's "only human".

If you're on a day off sick, you're "always" sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're a boot-licker.
BUT if your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's away for important meetings.

If you ask to leave early, you must be going for an interview.
BUT if your boss takes the afternoon off, it's because he's overworked.

No Explanation needed

Shopping patterns.jpg

OK so I stole this while looking up Boyle's Law
hank


Hell Explained in relation to Boyles Law EXO or ENDO?



The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona

chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.



The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,

of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is

compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving

into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets

to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different

religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one

of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth

and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,

the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will

increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'

and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic

and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more

souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

The Golfer's Confession


A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

Can anyone relate to this one? GRRRRRRRRRRR

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_-xTxP1hD4

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw 2 men by the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered the driver to stop so he could get out and investigate.
The lawyer ask one of the men, "why are you eating grass?"
The man replied "We have no money for food, so we must eat grass to survive" the poor man replied.
Well then, the lawyer replied, "you can come to my house and I'll feed you".
But sir, I have a wife and 2 children with me, they are over there, under that tree. said the poor man.
Bring then along, proclaims the lawyer.
The lawyer then turned to the other poor man and said, you may come with us also.
The second man says "but sir, I have a wife and SIX children with ME".
That's OK says the lawyer, bring them along.
So they all got into the limousine, and once under way, the first poor man says "Sir, you are too kind,"
"thank you for taking us along with you".
The lawyer replies, "glad to do it", "you will really love my house",
"the grass is almost a foot high."

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate
exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have
either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the
receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME
HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I
DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says Silvio, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?"

"Who said my Father's dead?''

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive! How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says Silvio. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."

"Well,' the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Nonno's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point.
"So. I suppose he went golfing with you this morning, too?"

"No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today"

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to get married?"