Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by johnboy

She won't be surprised; She's heard them all before.



And if they're a bit grubby She won't mind, 'cos there's been sex in her family (and mine,) for generations...


.

I expect she'll give as good as she gets, i.e. respond in kind, if not better!! I've no doubt that she'll give no quarter if riled!

Originally Posted by rspears

I expect she'll give as good as she gets, i.e. respond in kind, if not better!! I've no doubt that she'll give no quarter if riled!

You hit the nail on the head there alright!

When it comes to a spat with my missus I show that I'm the devout coward.

I can cover 100 yards in four seconds...
.

There was an old man from Nantucket
who kept all his wealth in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan
ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket Nantucket.
.

The doctor put the stethoscope in his ears, the other end on her chest and said "Big breaths!"

"Yeth; and I'm only thickteen." she said.
.

Some mornings I wake up grumpy.

Other mornings I let her sleep.
.

Three dogs are in the waiting room at the veterinarian.
One of the dogs ask the first dog, which is a terrier, why are you here?
The terrier responds, well I've got a problem with biting people and so my master brought me here.
The other two dogs look at him, shake their heads and say oh my, looks like the needle for you.

So, the next dog is asked, why are you here?
This dog, a collie, responds, well my problem is that I bark all the time.
The other two dogs look at him, shake their heads, and say oh my, it's the needle for you too.

The third dog is then asked why he is at the vet.
He's a very handsome German Shepherd, and he responds.
Well, I was walking by the bathroom the other night when my voluptuous master came out buck naked.
I got so turned on that I jumped on top of her and had my way.
The other two dogs shake their heads, and respond, Oh my, looks like the needle for you to, eh?
Oh no, says the German Shepherd, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

Advice for anyone moving to the South

1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity.” And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

5. Don't tell us how you did it up north. Nobody cares.

6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in November.

7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is.

8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

10. If you are driving a slower moving vehicle, on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

12. Yes, weddings, funerals, and divorces must take into account for football games (High School and College only).

13. Everything is better with Ranch dressing.

14. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious; we will sit there until we die.

15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.

16. We respect the flag and the national anthem.

17. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.

18. Starting a sentence with “God love her…” gives license for one woman to say anything negative about another woman. Note: This only applies while at church or in the presence or church ladies – men are absolutely forbidden from using this phrase.

19. “I’ll tell you what…” and “Them ‘ol boys…” constitute complete sentences.

20. No matter what kind: Sprite, Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, or Dr. Pepper - it isn't called soda or pop. It is all called “coke”.

21. We throw our hands up at random strangers passing by. It’s normal.

22. There will always be a tractor on the two lane when you are running late, so allow time for that.

23. Sweet tea is a food group.

24. Yonder IS a word.

23. If you don't like the weather wait 15 minutes, it will change

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning..."
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.