Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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We may have seen this one before, but it still makes me smile....

This Biker, walked into a biker bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at the Biker and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

The Biker says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The Biker placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the Biker saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

The Biker replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The biker took the money.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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NOPE!! I don't care how late it is, how many hours we've been driving, or how far it is to the next place, NOT STOPPING HERE!! WE'LL KEEP DRIVING!!!
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Mary said to Paddy "Oh sweetheart, what did you ever do to deserve a woman like me?"
Paddy replies "God knows, but I won't be doing it again!"
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I once sold security alarms door to door.

If nobody was home I'd leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
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Went to a restaurant with She Who Must Be Obeyed.
We sat down and pulled sandwiches from our bags.
The waitress approached us and said, "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here"

So we swapped sandwiches.
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I'm getting stronger with age.
Now I can hold $100 worth of groceries with one hand.
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A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried what it might be he finally got enough energy to open his gown so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters on the tape was "Get well soon, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat Chinese Doctors....
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat Chinese Doctors....
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Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”​

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!

And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!

A Wife came Home early and found her Husband in their Bedroom making love to a very Attractive Young Woman. She was very Upset.

"You are a Disrēspêctful Pīg!" she Cried. "How dare you do this to me – a Faithful Wife, the Mother of your Children! I'm Leaving you. I want a Divorce, NOW!"

The Husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute Love. At least let me tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead" the Wife sobbed, "but they will be the last Words you say to me!"

The Husband Began:
"Well, as I was getting into the Car at Work to drive Home, this Young Lady here asked me for a Lift. She looked so Distressed, Helpless and Defenseless that I took Pity on her and let her into the Car. She was very Thin, not well Dressed and very Dirty and told me that she hadn't Eaten for Three Days. Out of Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the Pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously. She was Dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away. I gave her the Designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too Tight. I gave her underwear, your Anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste. I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive Boutique but don’t Wear because someone at work has the same Pair."

The Husband Paused, took a quick Breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?" So here we are!"

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?" So here we are!"

OUCH! LOL

I bought a Greyhound today.
She Who Must Be Obeyed said "What are you going to do with it?"
"I'm going to race it." I replied.

"My money's on the dog." She said.
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