Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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What Not to Say to a Policeman
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

A friend of mine is often asked, "What do you old folks do now that you're retired?". Well ... He's fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things he enjoys most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine. And he's pretty darn good at it too !!

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air,
the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

i have a nephew who lives in south america.. a few weeks ago he sent me a live bird for my birthday.. big pretty red thing with a big beak and red belly.. well i cut him up and cooked him with some potatoes an unions... made a sweet tater pie .. gallon of tea .. had a big birthday feast... my nephew called yesterday and asked if i liked the bird ... i said " yes " loved him ... he was delicious.. what !!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN DELICIOUS !!! said my nephew .. did you eat that bird ... i said yes .. he said that bird cost him a fortune !!! . i said well you didnt have to do that for me ... nephew said " you dont know what i mean ... that bird could speak in two languages ... after a moment i said '' well he shoulda said somethin !!!!

Ponderisms

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing..

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no
attention to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

* Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?

* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

The Three Stages Of A Man's Life




SINGLE





MARRIED



DIVORCED





ANY QUESTIONS?

Write It Down!
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

A day in the life of a 10 year old boy

For my 10th birthday, my dad got me one of those little longbow Robin Hood 'beginner' kits, of course the first month I went around our land shooting arrows into anything that could get stuck by an arrow.

Did you know that a Farmall tractor takes 6 shots before it goes down?

This got boring, so I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirts doused in chainsaw gas wrapped around the end, and was sending flaming arrows all over the place, just like on the cowboy and Indian shows on Saturday afternoon. Keep in mind this was in the middle of plowed farm land, so no real fire danger.

One spring afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large oak stump in our backyard. I looked over at the carport and saw a shiny, brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can of starting fluid and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let's face it, to a 10yr. old, "ether" doesn't sound flammable. So I went into the house and got a 1 pound can of dad's muzzle loader black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little around the ether can, but it all sorta dumped out on me. No big deal I thought... 1 pound of black gun powder and 16 oz. of starting ether should make a pretty loud pop, kinda like a 2" firecracker you know? You know what? The heck with that, I'm going back into the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of powder and dumped it too!

Now we're cooking! I stepped back about 15 yds. and lit the chainsaw gas soaked arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let it fly. As I released, I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of his truck... Oh No! He had just gotten home from work. So help me God, it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the ether can target. My dad was walking toward me in slow motion with a "what's happening" look in his eyes. I turned back toward my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the either can right at the bottom, right through the main pile of black powder.

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back, or just a reflex jerk from the 265 decibels of sound. I caught a half millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion, and I will tell you there, hovering 1 foot above the ground as far as I could see, and low to the ground a dust fog, full of grasshoppers, bugs and tree bark. The daylight turned purple, let me repeat this... THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE! There was a big pear tree out by the back gate going into the pasture... notice I said 'was'. So here I am on the ground, blown completely out of my shoes, my T-shirt shredded, and my dad is on the other side of the carport having, what I can only assume, are flashbacks of his WWII combat experiences. His hat had been blown off his head and was 35 feet behind him in the dirt driveway. All the windows on the North side of the house were blown out and there was a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 feet high over our backyard. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment... I know I said something, but I couldn't hear, I couldn't even hear inside my own head. I don't think dad heard me either... not that it really matters. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt sharp pain, and then woke up later, felt more sharp pain, blacked out, woke later... then there was a repeat this process for an hour or so. You get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR, so dad could whallop me some more. Brought me back to life so dad could kill me again. Thanks mom!

One thing for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitchin' about that stump for years. I stepped up to the plate and took care of business!

Dad sold all his muzzle loaders a week or so later, and I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast, the beating, or both! And that, friends was only one day in my 10 year old life, way back then

The Devil's Lawsuit
There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the injectors"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."



KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there isn't anything wrong with your eyesight."

In the spirit of RestoRod's post on Seniors...Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier..

New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any 20 pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS... or in Menopause...!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

Is Texas great state or what? (I doubt this is true but it certainly is entertaining)


In Texas , a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was running away with her purse.

He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was left holding just the gun.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied:

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."

She was acquitted of all charges.

That's the way it is in Texas .








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...........AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED :

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

*** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******


My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....

*** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started.

***** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight got started....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight got started.....