Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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You're an EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a
different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "'Hey, guys,
watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a "Freebie"
at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife
drunk.

.

Rules every gun owner should know...

The speed at which morons shut up and leave is in direct proportion to the size of the hole in the end of the barrel.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not really that hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. Id hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have class in the morning

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided
to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I
could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge
me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man
agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need
was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied,
"You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes
we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager
came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the
startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left
over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket
for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. "And by the
way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did."Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

You gotta love this - - - -





























The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."


The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Originally Posted by glennsexton

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."


The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."

............

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. Due to a mix up at the drug factory she was given fertility pills instead of birth control pills, so one night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Earlier this summer, Bill and Hillary were vacationing in Arkansas. Out for a drive in the country one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn't mention anything at the time.

They exchanged hellos and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been the President of the United States."

A real man is a woman ' s best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she ' s the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I ' m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'



1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no d%#k

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments andasked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied, 'Ohhhh. . . it feels just great . . . but I still think my thumb's broken.