Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Never hire a man to do a woman's job .......


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.


After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.


The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."


So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."


"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."


Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."


The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a b@#$% to death with the chair!"

The Cat.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.


Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

'Jen, is the cat there?'

'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?'

Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put the smart arse on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!'

Hahaha, ain't it so - - - - if WE only knew what THEY knew

Ole had a car accident…..

In court, the motorhome owner's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge motorhome ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now vat the HELL vould YOU say?"

Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother

told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the

broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't

want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have

to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out

there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,

"Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to

help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went

to the back door and cracked it a little.

Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus?

If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Punctuation is "Everything" !

An English professor wrote these words

"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All of the males in the class wrote:
“A woman, without her man, is nothing."


All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Two guys were out in a boat fishing. On guy pulled out a cigar and asked the other if he had a lighter. The guy said look in my tackle box. The guy opened the box and there was a huge bic lighter and a small jar. So the guy asked what was in the jar. The other guy said that it was his jeanie. He said you can make a wish, but be careful, she's hard of hearing. So the guy opened the jar and out came a beautiful jeanie. So he made a wish and all of the sudden a bunch of ducks came and flew around the boat pooping all over them. The other guy asked what he wished for. He said a million bucks. The guy said I told you she's hard of hearing. Do you think I asked for a big bic?

FLASH FLASH URGENT

HELP!
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit” for Halloween, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire Cabinet.
PLEASE HELP!!

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Here's one the minister told at my daughter-in-law's memorial service a couple years ago:

Jesus was in Heaven and God came to him and said "My son, you seem deep in thought." "Yes, Father, i'm so tired. There just seems to be so much violence and disasters on earth, i just sometimes don't know what to do. " God says "My son, you are stressed out. Why don't you take a vacation." Jesus thinks for a minute and decides that's a good idea.

Jesus pops down to earth and he's walking along a country highway when a trucker stops. "Son, you look really tired. Climb on up in here and i'll give ya a ride. Jesus accepts the truckers offer and climbs into the truck.

They get a few miles down the highway and the trucker says "Son, ya look thirsty. Why don't ya reach back there into the ice chest and grab us a couple sodas?" Jesus reaches back and gets two sodas from the ice chest and hands one to the trucker. They drink the sodas as they drive on down the highway.

They get a few miles down the road and the trucker says "Son, ya look hungry. My wife makes the best ham sandwiches in the world. Why don't ya reach back there into the ice chest and grad us one." Jesus reaches back and gets two sandwiches from the ice chest and hands the trucker one. They finish the sandwiches as they drive on down the highway.

They get a few miles down the road and the trucker says "Son, i always like ta finish off a meal with a nice joint. Care to join me?" Jesus thinks for a minute and decides since he's on vacation, why not. The trucker says "Son, i gotta tell ya, this is some really good shit." They smoke the joint as they drive on down the highway.

Jesus thinks for awhile and decides he should tell the trucker who he is. Jesus looks at the trucker and says "I must tell you that i am Jesus Christ, Son of God." The trucker smiles and says "I told ya that was some really good shit."

RIP Peggy. I hope you're ridin' that Harley in Heaven. May your long blond hair blow in the wind forever.

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch.


Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH




That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

IC2,

Love that one.

Jack.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Our last name stays put.. The garage is all mine. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. I can be President. I can never be pregnant. I can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. I can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell me the truth. The world is our urinal. I never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. I don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at my chest when I'm talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle my feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. I know stuff about tanks, guns and John Wayne really was my hero. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. I can open all my own jars. I get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite me, he or she can still be my friend.

My underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. I almost never have strap problems in public. I'm unable to see wrinkles in my clothes. Everything on my face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. I only have to shave my face and neck.

I can play with toys all my life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. I can wear shorts no matter how my legs look. I can 'do' my nails with a pocket knife. I have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

I can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier - I'm just sayin' what works for me..

MURDER AT WALMART


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Oh, quit groaning!

I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

Toooooo funny Fitz!!!...CR