Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. ' To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. ' The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'

Every once in a while you receive a cute e-mail that warms your heart and you just want to pass it along.

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the f**k do you think?"

Sex and Sunshine

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old timer is reading this forum.


That would be you!!!!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me: I CAN'T PRAY?

What really happened...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a
trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far
when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife
quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *+%$**Ł" crazy!?"
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... " we have lived happily ever after."

When I was married 25 years I took a look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.'
Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10- inch black and white TV.

I have no photos but the facts are very interesting.......



Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?


Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.


They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.




The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....










..."freeze a jolly good fellow?"


Oh you were S0OO easy !!!!

grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv......
the evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed...

grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip..

grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch...
grandma looked at him with disgust: "you just don't understand, you old coot.....the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of
my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough
points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from
8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan
on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00
A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00
A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first
two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching
our balls. No point in your coming in for that.."

Impossible Things To Say when Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Oh now that's funny, Barb - I'm sure you "heard" this from someone else and that's there is no personal experience involved here eh?

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

*******************
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'


********************
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

**************************
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

**************************
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

*************************
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

*************************
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved
in a fatal car accident.. The couple find themselves
sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to
process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get
married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves..

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the
couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they
were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal
aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered,
'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple,
'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to
find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me
to find a lawyer?'