Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Redneck fire alarm:

Got stopped this morning. Policeman walks up and asks if I know why he stopped me. I said I assumed he wanted to sell me some tickets to the Policemans ball. He replied " The police have no balls I'm aware of", then for some reason he just got in his car and left.

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde ...
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says ' Sign here: ' she wrote ' Sagittarius. '

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under ' education ' on her job application, she put ' Hooked On Phonics'

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate' .
* She told me to meet her at the corner of ' WALK ' and ' DON ' T WALK ...'
* She tried to put M&M ' s in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she had to count to 12 she took her bra off.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, ' Airport Left, ' she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said ' TGIF, ' which she thought stood for ' This Goes In Front'.





AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

The New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2010 Obama

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The “transparent” canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" owners.
Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL. It won't get you to work, but not a problem, there aren't any jobs anyway!

Is there any wonder.

Jack.

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1... My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2.. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3.. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4.. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6.. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7.. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8.. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9.. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

Resto - I often show my wife these little ditties - this one - not a chance

Wise move.

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan Kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes...

Little Tyrone stood up and said:

" Up against the wall, mother f**ker!"

I'm guessing there are not too many farms in Detroit ?!!!

A man owned a small farm in Southern Saskatchewan .

The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.

There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. < br>
When she opens the door, there stands David, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, David says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of David.. After a few seconds, David hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'

'It was David, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Today a guy at work was telling me about a lady that had the largest baby ever born... It weighed in at 36 lbs.

Im sure it was not a natural child birth and of course the baby had a few problems. In fact it's testicles weighed 8 lbs each.

They ended up putting it in an insane asylum because it was half nuts.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she said, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!''

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss, and before she could say 'sh!t', the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
He was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline
read:

BISHOPSCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
He decided to give it to a Nun
in a nearby convent.

The next day the paper read:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.
He ordered the nun to sell the donkey.
Next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild


The next day the headlines read:

NUN'S ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!