Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An Amish Mom and her daughter were riding into town on a buckboard wagon.
The daughter says, Mom it's cold.
Mom says, put your hands between your thighs, that will warm them up.

Next day, daughter and her boyfriend were riding into town on the same buckboard wagon. Boyfriend says, my hands are cold, daughter says put them between my thighs, that will warm them up, so he did.

Next day daughter and her boyfriend were riding into town, boyfriend says, my nose is cold, daughter says put it between my thighs.........

Next day daughter and boyfriend are riding into town and boyfriend says, my ***** is frozen solid.................

Next day Mom and daughter were riding into town and the daughter says, Mom, do you know what a ***** is?
Mom says, well yes.............
daughter says, they sure make a mess when they thaw out.

my car is so slow, bugs hit the BACK window

went to the car dealership and me and the wife decide on nice truck,
all the way home all she did was complian, i'm cold it's windy
l wanna ride inside, just never happy are they?

Two vomits walking down the road when they come to a bar,and one gets all emotional,Im sorry,it says,but this is where I was brought up...

I will tell you a story about procrastination,but give you the punch line later..sometime..maybe,ok?

Why bull elk have long antlers

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load
a sack full of cash.



On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face.


The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.



He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.



The robber instantly shot him also.



Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.


The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"


There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.



Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,





"I think my wife here may have caught a glimpse of you."

This should resonate with a lot of folks! I have a dear friend and she's from The United States of Texas - I laughed until I cried!

Regards All,
Glenn

GRIT (Girls Raised In Texas) Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to Texas a couple of years ago.

"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."

Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.

Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir..."

Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair.."

Texas girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger
Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas!

Now you run along, Shuger, and send this to ANY females aspiring to be GRITS--Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts" and send it on to men who think Texas women are precious.

Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan. After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend..'

The minister fainted..

The New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2010 Obama
This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The “transparent” canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" owners.
Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL. It won't get you to work, but not a problem, there aren't any jobs anyway!

The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,


*

*

(Wait for it.)


*

*

*

(It's coming.)


*

*

(Ya ready?)


*


*

*
(Don't hate me!)

*

*

*
(Yer gonna hate me!)


*

*

*
(Take a deep breath)


*

*

*

" He should've quit while he was a head!"

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

and all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.



A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.



Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.



The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.



Our salad was Jell-0, so jiggly and great

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"



Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.



Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).



A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.




We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our social- security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.



And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood
of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!"shouts Sister Catherine."What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on.That will get rid of the abomination, "says Sister Helen

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns

"What shall I do now?"she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross,"says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking,"says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts,"Get the F**k off the windshield! "

Wrong House

found a game you can play online, tiger woods being chassed by his wife, wasnt sure where to post this so i posted it here, it is an instant play game.
http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html
cheers barnsey

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