Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Stopped at the local Autozone today for a part for an ot car. Went through the usual make, model, year and when he got to engine , I told him it was a 2.0. He got a puzzled look, clacked on his computer a bit then asked me if it was the 4 cylinder v6.
I went to Napa.

Originally Posted by 61bone

Stopped at the local Autozone today for a part for an ot car. Went through the usual make, model, year and when he got to engine , I told him it was a 2.0. He got a puzzled look, clacked on his computer a bit then asked me if it was the 4 cylinder v6.
I went to Napa.

Thought this was a joke page - my recent experience it's likely the gospel truth!!

American Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Redneck Christmas Tree

For those of you, who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not exactly the same, but its real close.

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again. Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She doesn’t know a thing about cars."

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
1st surgeon: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quietly listening to the conversation: "I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

If Microsoft Built Cars
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

2 Brazilian Soldiers

The Dept of Defense
briefed the president this morning.

They told President
Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

Been a while since ive walked these halls, heres a joke for ya, sorry if it is a repost. It is called PHOTO ON THE NIGHTSTAND


A man has met a new woman, though only together a few days, he thinks this has to be the love of his life

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry... "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he asks, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, then who in the hell is he?" he demands.


"That's me ... before the surgery."

Ambidextrous Golfer


A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"


Smiling, she said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, West Virginia, North Carolina, Washington DC, and some parts of Michigan

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

ATT00001.jpg
Justice in Seattle, WA



(AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a King County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.



The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.



After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.



After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Seattle Seahawks football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.











Gotcha!

A hillbilly was dressing in a suit and tie when his wife came in and asked, what did the doctor say and why are you putting on a suit?

The hillbilly replied "the doctor said I was impotant, so I wanted to look the part".

dont jump to conclusions to quickly

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one of my neighbors was unsucessful at concieving a child so they decided to use a surrogate father to start a family.. on the day the proxy father was to show a traveling baby picture taker happened by .. good morning Ma`am he said '' i`m here to " before he could finish his intro she whisked him inside and said " iv`e been expecting you " have you really said the photographer... well good ... did you know babies were my speciality ?... well thats what my husband and i are counting on " she said ... after a tense moment she asked " well where do we start " he said " i usually try a couple in the bath tub.. one on the couch ... then a few on the bed... and the floor is a good place also.. you can really spread out there .. .. bathroom ? floor ? tub? .. she said " no wonder it didnt work for us " well ma`am he said .. i cant guarantee a good shot every time so i have to go at it from many different angles.. most of us would like to be in and out in five minutes he said but i know you`d be dissapointed with the results ... dont i know she said.. but first let me show you some of my work he said... he pulled out several baby pics and said '' this first one was done on top of a bus... " oh my ! " she said... and these twins turned out really nice considering how difficult the mother was to work with he said.... difficult how do you mean she ask ? .. well said the picture taker... i had to take her to the park to please her ... people were standing all around and watching and the mother was yelling and squealing so i could hardly concentrate.. then darkness began to fall and i had to rush my shots.. but when the squirrels began nibbling at my equipment i told the mother i was done ... my neighbor said " squirrels chewed on your "um" equipment ?.. yes he said ... but if you`re ready i will set up my tripod to rest my Canon on .. it`s much to big to hold in my hands for very long... when my neighor heard that she fainted !!

AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse.

Enlarge Image Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam

A 1993 photo of alleged "sex-for-security" scam artist Helen Crandall. Police suspect the groceries she is holding were paid for by her victim, husband David Crandall (right).

"It's the biggest scam of its kind I've ever seen," Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers—you name it."

According to Agee, undercover agents spotted Crandall's husband handing her $50 in cash at approximately 4 p.m., just 30 minutes after the two had sex. Crandall then drove off in her car, returning home two hours later with five bags of groceries.

"That's when we made the arrest," Agee said. "After tracking her for years, we finally had proof that she was buying all those goods with dirty money."

During the arrest, Akron police officials entered the Crandall household and seized more than 150 items Mrs. Crandall had received from her husband over the last 19 years, including a four-speed adjustable food processor, 12 pairs of earrings, a matching sofa and loveseat, a box of two-ply kitchen garbage bags, and a portable radio.

In exchange for these items, Agee said, Crandall's husband received sex an estimated 950 times—most frequently in the master bedroom, but also in the downstairs den three times, and once on the floor of the sewing room.

In addition to physical evidence, Akron police have collected considerable eyewitness testimony. More than 250 Akron residents have come forward to report seeing Helen and Russell Crandall together, and several said they witnessed Mr. Crandall flagrantly purchasing items for his wife.

"Sure, they'd come in here," said Ray Greene of Greene's House and Home. "I think the last time they got one of those box fans with the three settings."

Perhaps the most damaging testimony has come from Mr. Crandall himself, who on Tuesday told police that while the couple was dating in 1977, Mrs. Crandall—then known as Helen Steuben—demanded that he buy her a ring worth over $1,000 before he could have sex with her. The first sexual liaison took place some six months later at Bob's Honeymooner Hotel during an all-expenses-paid trip to Niagara Falls.

It was also in 1977, Mr. Crandall said, that his wife quit her job at Shippee Shoes in downtown Akron.

"Clearly," Summit County prosecutor Andrew Dravecky said, "after quitting her job, the accused began receiving money under the table from some other source: How else could she have afforded to not work? It's now pretty apparent that at that point she began supporting herself by providing a certain service to Mr. Crandall."

Crandall's mother, Bernice Steuben, a resident of the Valley View Senior Home in Yuma, AZ, is being sought for questioning in connection to the case: Police suspect that Steuben may have introduced her daughter to the sex-for-security scam after having used it herself from 1932 to 1971.

But for all the evidence collected against Crandall, Dravecky said the case will likely be difficult to prosecute. "Helen was very careful to cover her tracks," he said. "She even got her husband to put her name on the bank accounts and credit cards."

The Crandall case is not an isolated incident, said criminologist John Ohlmeyer, who said there are "literally millions" of such cases across the U.S. each year that never come to court.

"This kind of thing isn't as uncommon as we'd all like to think," Ohlmeyer said. "A woman finds herself in a situation where she isn't employable. Or maybe she has interests like child-rearing, cooking and home-maintenance that keep her from getting a job. So what does she do? She cooks up a scheme to entrap a man using her body as the bait. It's frightening, but it happens every day in this country."

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his