Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Ummm...Hank...I showed She Who Must Be Obeyed that one about the housewife 'sex for security' scam...





And She thumped me.

John I also got the same thing from my wife
you have to be careful what you tell the "boss"

Two Woodpeckers...

An Arizona woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Arizona arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
The Arizona woodpecker claimed Arizona had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Arizona woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Arizona woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Arizona woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Arizona woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Arizona tree, and the Arizona woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:


Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your p*cker gets harder when you're away from home.

The devil made me send this.

on a lighter note

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a news paper reporter wanted to do a writeup on the attitudes and beliefs of some the churches across the country and he went out west to begin his study in california. went into the largest church he could find and immediately saw a golden phone on the ministers desk with a sign reading " talk to GOD " $ 10`000 a minute. the reporter said " rather high is`nt it " minister said " it`s a long way to heaven ". the reporter worked his way east and north and was met with similar results along the way. finally he came to alabama and the first church he came to was a little brown wooden structure yet still with the same golden phone as all the big churches , but the sign said " talk to GOD " .025 cents per minute . the writer said he has been to all the biggest churches in the country and all charge about the same $ 10`000 for talking to GOD . how can you folks in the south do it for 25 cents. the preacher proudly said . down here it`s a local call
__________________
i`m not just stupid... i`m gross stupid .. thats like 144 times more than normal stupid

In a survey conducted earlier this week, 1,000 American blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods and 89 per cent said: "never again". ...

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a lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.... the pharmacist asks " ma`am , what do you want with arsenic?.. the lady say`s " to kill my husband " ... i cant sell you any for that reason " says the pharmacist... the lady then shows him a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacists wife . he looks at the photo and say`s " oh....... " i didnt know you had a prescription "

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy,how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol...

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"

Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Well Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts
in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, and shouts: 'HELP ME for the
love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50..'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the f***ing Post Office"

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."


The lady can't take this any more and says, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!



P.S. Cash only-----no checks, please.

While on vacation in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his member covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.


A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.


Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly Check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'


'One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

Why Southerns Vote Republican.........


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North..

I thought everyone needed a laugh today!


I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.