Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of us who know seniors, and to all of us who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh.



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"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, sh*t, so that's why no one was at church today."

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really
are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and
she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...


.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The
doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the freeway.



"You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your
penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."



The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build
a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly
$1000 an inch."



The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide
how many inches you want. But this is something you should
discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a
nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only Invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays
a role in helping you make a decision."



The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.



The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with
your wife?"



"Yes I have," says the man.



"And has she helped you make a decision?"



"Yes" says the man.



"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite countertops."

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life .....remember ......

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have writtenan impressive new book. It's called ........'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drinkand be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope andyour boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
11. Definition of a teenager?God's punishment . . . For enjoying sex.



12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...

Be who you are and say what you feel!

Because those that matter... don't mind!

And those that mind...don't matter!

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America.

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
( Lykes Lines-Shipping)


"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)


My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. "That would be better for me," he said.
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

.

Eino, a Finlander from northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye!"

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Menopause Jewelry (from my wiffy!!!)


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.



Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States or Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Bruce started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
Was perking, he shaved with his Electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRILANKA),
Designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
And tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
To see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
To the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
He got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
Filled it with GAS,
(From Saudi Arabia)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer
(made in MALAYSIA),
John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL),
Poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA)
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in America. And now he's hoping he can get help from his ”President”
(MADE IN KENYA)

Republicans in Hell

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Nascar News
Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon announced last week that he was firing his entire pit crew. This
announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of a government sponsored
TARP funded project designed to train and employ unemployed LA gang members. The
decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youth from LA were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent
and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the
pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice
session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6
seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, and within 24
seconds had altered the VIN number, and within 2 minutes had sold and delivered the
car to Dale Ernhart, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of
Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY ‚

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER