Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON
THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $860.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's
mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and, of course,
the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the ducks
to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while
trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along
with
the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained
Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed
and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just
as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at
the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot,
and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator

The men continue to scream as they run.

The red-hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end; he
yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his
master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !

The truck is destroyed and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the
two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened"
looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $860.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay . . .doing fine.

And you thought Rednecks only live in the South...

Wow!.. They're not rednecks, just STUPID! Glad the dog made out OK!..CR

In order to get the joke - you have to understand the Newfie language



Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week..

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

PSYCHOPATH TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is just as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister..

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?[Give this some thought before you answer.........see answer below]

















Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you...


If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy ass off my e-mail list!

Her name is: Five Horses

This is mythical and deep... Truly beautiful...


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean .. . .





. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

When a 17 yr old gets the nick name of "speedy" gets for be 67 yrs old means something entirely different.

A duck hunter was out on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, he woke up on a hospital bed. His doctor said,"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.



"She's a flute player. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Its that time of the year again!!


The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds she yanks them vigorously and the boy convulses violently then coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The
robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about
physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but
he is curious... So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender
says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot
makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.


The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks
he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot
says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot
brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"

Oh My Goodness - now I don't care where you're from - that's funny (and my IQ is 165+)...

Larry M

A new Publix Supermarket opened in Morristown, TN. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone,
from school one day, when a big man in a car pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there,
do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The car again pulls up beside her and asks,
"I will give you $10 if you hop in the car." "NO!"
says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
The car pulls up beside the little girl again
and says, "I'm feeling generous today! I'll give you
20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop
in my car and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him
and screams out. . .


"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Ford
instead of the Chevy! So ride in it by yourself!"

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad.


The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.


The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"


The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."


He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"





THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:



Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.