Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Some guys are just luckier than others

Crack in my widshield!

It's Hell to be Old....................................

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,









'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

A guy traveling through Mexico
On vacation lost his wallet and
All of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted
To make his way home, but was stopped
By the U.S. Customs Agent at the border;

"May I see your identification, please?"
Asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
Replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day.
No I.D., no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed.
"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan
Tattooed on one side of my butt and
George Bush on the other.

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants
And showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
"Have a safe trip back to Chicago.

"Thanks!" he said.
"But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied,
"I recognized Obama in the middle."

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.


The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down all the way.)

What were you
Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to the forum.

I worry about you
Sometimes!

During a recent visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a hotrodder should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the hotrodder and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the tea cup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the window?"

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN
A GAY BAR...........




One day a
fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came up --
fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer,
and so forth.

However, little Justin was
being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he finally replied, ?Okay...my
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in
his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night
for money.'


The teacher, obviously
shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children
to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, 'Is that really true about your
father?'




'No', the boy
said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last
year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
class.'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt
I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him,
'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look. I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation — “While Speaker Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . She simply is not to be trusted.”

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, “But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.”

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful
women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman
will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she
just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak,
who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a “ no-fault State”
whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra’s speech
during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

Tiger Woods

Obama - Go Figure!!





Secret Code

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House..

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ... you're holding it upside down!'



This was sent to me. Not my story!!

Richard

During the time Ronald Regan was president we enjoyed the music of Johnny Cash and entertainment of Bob Hope.

Now we have Obama and sadly, we have no cash and no hope..

Whether Conservative, Liberal, Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.'