Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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MY TRAVELS

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt . That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepsh!^ many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

OOOOPS! I think I'm there again..........

Originally Posted by IC2

MY TRAVELS

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

...
I have been in Deepsh!^ many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

OOOOPS! I think I'm there again..........

I was in Dispensable once, but got thrown out when I was no longer needed.

A refuse collector in Western Australia is driving along a street
picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hadn't been left out, and in the
spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he decides to knock on the front door.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again, much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro prease" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin bloke smiles and
tries again.
"No! No! mate, where's ya dust bin?"

I dust been to the toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen, says the collector, you're misunderstanding me. Where's your
wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man, with a sheepish grin and whispers in
the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Originally Posted by RestoRod

A refuse collector in Western Australia is driving along a street
picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hadn't been left out, and in the
spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he decides to knock on the front door.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again, much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro prease" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin bloke smiles and
tries again.
"No! No! mate, where's ya dust bin?"

I dust been to the toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen, says the collector, you're misunderstanding me. Where's your
wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man, with a sheepish grin and whispers in
the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Tanjooberrymutts....

Originally Posted by lamin8r

Tanjooberrymutts....

Yur wecum!

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

I did not know this.....

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends

Why do we press harder on a TV remote when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why didn't Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends
-- if
they're okay, then it's you.

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, ‘Baby it'll be yours one day.’ "

Wife, with a smile and blushing, replied: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

DIRTY JOKES-
Here is my best dirty,filthy,nasty,gross joke;
















White horse fell in a big mud hole.

Two cats sitting on a wall watching a game of tennis..One cat turns to the other and says....''My old mans in that racket''

Yeah,I know......Im going now..

Buy the new Smart Car... ?

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Trucks And A Smart Car

At less than 10 MPH.

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Moral or the story;

Pass On Saving Gas; Save your Ass.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the
window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please
take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell
my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the
house.” Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write
me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that. she actually said...

"Dad I have decided to work for Obama's reelection campaign."

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.


Give this info to all the guy you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.