Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Flat Tarr-Funny

There was this fellow from Arkansas, driving down I-30 South who had a flat tire.

He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....

An out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I gotta flat tarr."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.

Originally posted by john gemmer
Flat Tarr-Funny

There was this fellow from Arkansas, driving down I-30 South who had a flat tire.

He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....

An out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I gotta flat tarr."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.

you used to carry your flares with you , didnt you?

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one

handsome rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.



One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At

the same time, he heard rumors of cockfights being held in town.



Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.



During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to

sporting a handsome cock?"







All the men stood up.



No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to

having seen a handsome cock?"







All the women stood up.



"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will

confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"







Half the women stood up.



"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here

seen my cock?"



All the choirboys stood up.

Oh Denny You Bad I Guess Thats What You Would Call A Surprise Yep Sure Would Be A Fart With A Lump In It Or In That Guys case A Cough with a lump and tow'd He He He How True!! How True !! I See You Have A Warped Mind Like Mine

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a
problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my
ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.
I need 3 Viagra pills
to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights
in a row is pretty
dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on
the condition that you
return to my office on Monday so that I can check
you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a
sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -- Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same." --Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says. . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants

Two Nuns & A Stalker

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical(SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM.: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

(And you thought it would be dirty!)

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"

With choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was "celebrate.”!!

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods. A small tree begins to grow between
them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a
woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son
of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in."

Snowplow

Norman and his wife live in Marion, Ohio. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

Miss you John.

Walt, that was a fun site. Yeah, John, come back soon.

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way"
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq.
"The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the
little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,
"Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog
noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please
make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm
telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog
noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak
we can go to Disney world!"