Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Three New Navy Ships

USS REAGAN

Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective.... ENORMOUS!



When the Bridge pipes ' Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4..5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft

3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline

2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

3. Flight deck covers 4..5 acres

4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds

5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons

6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet


Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel

2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

3. 18,150 meals served daily

4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes

5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones

6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets


USS BILL CLINTON


The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC



The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .

USS BARACK OBAMA

This ship will be used to ferry illegals across the Rio Grande to pick up their
welfare checks as advance payments for their democratic votes.





Details are as vague as his past, his economic policies and his credentials to lead.
But don't you worry......he has a plan!

Today's Inspirational Lesson



Never irritate a woman who can operate a backhoe...




Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius. It's been around a while, but just re-read it anyhow
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . And the people re-elected him.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst and a college graduate.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to?
your brilliant friends.


I just did !!

PS: By the way I pretty much agree with Iacocca.............

Yup..........

Not for the squeamish!

SECONDS BEFORE DEATH...

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO....

THIS IS A PICTURE

OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS

LEFT TO LIVE... CHILLING!
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A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No, she says, they’re all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

Life can be summarized in 4 bottles....




HOLY Sh*t!!! we're on #3!

Funny......yet sad...55 years ago..!



Comments made in the year 1955!

That's only 55 years ago!

'I'll
tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be
impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have
you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00
will only buy a used one.

'If
cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is
ridiculous.

'Did
you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a
letter

'If
they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help
at the store.

'When
I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents
a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm
afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable
get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I
read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the
moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did
you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year
just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more
than the President.

'I
never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They
are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's
too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having
to work to make ends meet.

'It
won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch
their kids so they can both work.

'I'm
afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign
business.

'Thank
goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income
in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government..

'The
drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.

'There
is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a
night to stay in a hotel.

'No
one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too
rich for my blood.'

'If
they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

To add to Resto's post, here is a site that will give you more perspective of what it cost 'way back when'. While we gasp and gag at those numbers, about the only thing that's skewed vs wages are ...... you guessed it, taxes.

This is a really fun site if you want to spend the time wandering though it.

http://www.thepeoplehistory.com/

Confused
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the
garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE
THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A London Fire

*In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.*

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.


A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.


Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.


But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.


Why was just the British white couple saved?

It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the
House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.


Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.


On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ...


"Because they were both at work."

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old guy walked to the window, had a peek, and asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!!!!!!

The best solution I've heard yet.

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