Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."


The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Originally Posted by glennsexton

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."


The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."

............

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. Due to a mix up at the drug factory she was given fertility pills instead of birth control pills, so one night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Earlier this summer, Bill and Hillary were vacationing in Arkansas. Out for a drive in the country one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn't mention anything at the time.

They exchanged hellos and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been the President of the United States."

A real man is a woman ' s best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she ' s the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I ' m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'



1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no d%#k

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments andasked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied, 'Ohhhh. . . it feels just great . . . but I still think my thumb's broken.

A Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when
you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people hav more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to
do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a
bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their
experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes
first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear.
And when I found him I began to read to him from the
catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as
gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and Confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with
An IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best
fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But
that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him
and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another
and DOWN, another until we came to a creek. So I quickly
DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start!"

WHAT TIME DOES HOME DEPOT OPEN ????

New Battery-powered Nail Gun, made by DeWALT

It can drive a 16 penny nail through a 2X4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax.
When she has the board in the right place, just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid Fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else (probably) ever again.

man who cook carrot and pea in same pot very unsanitary.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely

40 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.


He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'


She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'


He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.


Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'


The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.


Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.


She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'


Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'

Blondes Are The Best!!!

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail ,
Pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of Them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles &some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
My mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
Day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
Blondes Are The Best!!!