Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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DEA officer stops at a local ranch to talk with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the officer running for his life chased by the rancher's biggest and meanest bull...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he”ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...



“Your badge. Show him your F***ing BADGE!”

Speaking of old rancher jokes:

One day an old rancher had to go to town to get a part for his J.D. so he could continue plowing the field but his wife was gone in the car so he had to drive his old farm truck which was a beater to say the least.

Well he ends up on the Freeway Loop around town going about 40 in a 70 zone and a local cop pulls him over.

The cop gets out with his ticket book and starts eying the old man's truck and then he gets to laughing and finally walks up to the driver's side window and, with a smirk on his face he says.

"What in the hell do you call this POS?"
The rancher replies that it is his farm truck
and the cop comments that he should be ashamed to be seen in such a pile of junk
and the rancher explains that is all he had to drive and he needed to get the tractor par
then the cop starts writing in his ticket book but there are some little flies buzzing all around his head and he is swatting at them
the rancher says "those are heel flies, we mostly see them at the farm buzzing around horse's rearends"
the cop continued to write and then stopped and said " are you calling me a horse's arse?"
the rancher says "oh no sir, I would never disrespect an officer of the law"
the cop says "well ok then"
and then the rancher says "but it's sure hard to fool them heel flies"

Down in Lafourche Parish , Louisiana , Boudreaux gets a job with BP helping with the cleanup.
He reports for work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assignment.
He finds the man and asks, “What is I supposed to do?”
The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans.
Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says,
“Okay dey all cleaned. You want me to fix a roux & cook some rice?”

The economy is so bad that,...


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides of first the right tire, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic stritease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrased Mick, "but me and the missus have been having some trouble in the bedroom department lately, and the therapist we went to suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ollie and Sven.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

Ollie arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ollie said,'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Ollie said,'Nope, ain't Stanley.' The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Sven in to confirm the identity of the body.

Sven looked at the body and said,'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over...'The mortician rolled him over and Sven said,'No, it ain't Stanley.'

The mortician asked,'How can you tell?' Sven said,'Well, Stanley had two assholes.''What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Stanley was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Stanley decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Stanley.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Stanley soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Stanley. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Stanley thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Stanley.

Although he survived, it took several months before Stanley fully recovered.

Now Stanley was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Stanley, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

FINALLY !
A Cell Phone for Senior Citizens !

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Never hire a man to do a woman's job .......


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.


After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.


The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."


So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."


"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."


Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."


The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a b@#$% to death with the chair!"

The Cat.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.


Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

'Jen, is the cat there?'

'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?'

Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put the smart arse on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!'

Hahaha, ain't it so - - - - if WE only knew what THEY knew

Ole had a car accident…..

In court, the motorhome owner's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge motorhome ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now vat the HELL vould YOU say?"

NEW SOFTWARE PROGRAM
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0.

* A "Don't remind me again" button
* Minimize button
* Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object oriented" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden, meeting Harold. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" "Sex!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied,

"Parkinson's."