Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother

told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the

broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't

want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have

to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out

there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,

"Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to

help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went

to the back door and cracked it a little.

Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus?

If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Punctuation is "Everything" !

An English professor wrote these words

"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All of the males in the class wrote:
“A woman, without her man, is nothing."


All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Two guys were out in a boat fishing. On guy pulled out a cigar and asked the other if he had a lighter. The guy said look in my tackle box. The guy opened the box and there was a huge bic lighter and a small jar. So the guy asked what was in the jar. The other guy said that it was his jeanie. He said you can make a wish, but be careful, she's hard of hearing. So the guy opened the jar and out came a beautiful jeanie. So he made a wish and all of the sudden a bunch of ducks came and flew around the boat pooping all over them. The other guy asked what he wished for. He said a million bucks. The guy said I told you she's hard of hearing. Do you think I asked for a big bic?

FLASH FLASH URGENT

HELP!
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit” for Halloween, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire Cabinet.
PLEASE HELP!!

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Here's one the minister told at my daughter-in-law's memorial service a couple years ago:

Jesus was in Heaven and God came to him and said "My son, you seem deep in thought." "Yes, Father, i'm so tired. There just seems to be so much violence and disasters on earth, i just sometimes don't know what to do. " God says "My son, you are stressed out. Why don't you take a vacation." Jesus thinks for a minute and decides that's a good idea.

Jesus pops down to earth and he's walking along a country highway when a trucker stops. "Son, you look really tired. Climb on up in here and i'll give ya a ride. Jesus accepts the truckers offer and climbs into the truck.

They get a few miles down the highway and the trucker says "Son, ya look thirsty. Why don't ya reach back there into the ice chest and grab us a couple sodas?" Jesus reaches back and gets two sodas from the ice chest and hands one to the trucker. They drink the sodas as they drive on down the highway.

They get a few miles down the road and the trucker says "Son, ya look hungry. My wife makes the best ham sandwiches in the world. Why don't ya reach back there into the ice chest and grad us one." Jesus reaches back and gets two sandwiches from the ice chest and hands the trucker one. They finish the sandwiches as they drive on down the highway.

They get a few miles down the road and the trucker says "Son, i always like ta finish off a meal with a nice joint. Care to join me?" Jesus thinks for a minute and decides since he's on vacation, why not. The trucker says "Son, i gotta tell ya, this is some really good shit." They smoke the joint as they drive on down the highway.

Jesus thinks for awhile and decides he should tell the trucker who he is. Jesus looks at the trucker and says "I must tell you that i am Jesus Christ, Son of God." The trucker smiles and says "I told ya that was some really good shit."

RIP Peggy. I hope you're ridin' that Harley in Heaven. May your long blond hair blow in the wind forever.

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch.


Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH




That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

IC2,

Love that one.

Jack.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Our last name stays put.. The garage is all mine. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. I can be President. I can never be pregnant. I can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. I can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell me the truth. The world is our urinal. I never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. I don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at my chest when I'm talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle my feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. I know stuff about tanks, guns and John Wayne really was my hero. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. I can open all my own jars. I get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite me, he or she can still be my friend.

My underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. I almost never have strap problems in public. I'm unable to see wrinkles in my clothes. Everything on my face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. I only have to shave my face and neck.

I can play with toys all my life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. I can wear shorts no matter how my legs look. I can 'do' my nails with a pocket knife. I have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

I can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier - I'm just sayin' what works for me..

Jake was dying.
His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Lost in Translation.................

Today's word is..........Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

MURDER AT WALMART


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Oh, quit groaning!

I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

Toooooo funny Fitz!!!...CR

Having served his time with the Airborne Infantry, a man became a high school teacher and before school started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year

TowD,thats brilliant...