Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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The gendarme was crossing a bridge on the seine river when he spots this gentleman about to jump. Monsieur, he says, why are you jumping? My name is Pierre, he says, I built this bridge, I build bridges all over the world but do people call me Pierre the bridge builder? No! he says and gets ready to jump again. Thats no reason to jump says the gendarme. Pierre then says, see that boat, I built that boat, I build boats all over the world but do people call me Pierre the boat builder? No! and again he gets ready to jump. That is still no reason to jump says the gendarme. OK says Pierre, see that sky scraper, I build sky scrapers all over the world. Do they call me Pierre the skyscraper builder? NO! but suck just one c***.

Jack.

The gendarme was crossing a bridge on the seine river when he spots this gentleman about to jump. Monsieur, he says, why are you jumping? My name is Pierre, he says, I built this bridge, I build bridges all over the world but do people call me Pierre the bridge builder? No! he says and gets ready to jump again. Thats no reason to jump says the gendarme. Pierre then says, see that boat, I built that boat, I build boats all over the world but do people call me Pierre the boat builder? No! and again he gets ready to jump. That is still no reason to jump says the gendarme. OK says Pierre, see that sky scraper, I build sky scrapers all over the world. Do they call me Pierre the skyscraper builder? NO! but suck just one c***.

Jack.

Sorry for the repeat

Seems a Texan cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

You forgot to add:

Sheriff Joe:
"The chicken crossed the road illegally, carrying illegal drugs, and tried to recieve benefits from programs it had not contributed to!!! I put him in a pink prison outfit, made him live in a tent... pick up trash along the highways... raise produce... and I feed him baloney sandwiches!!!"

Originally Posted by HOTRODPAINT

You forgot to add:

Sheriff Joe:
"The chicken crossed the road illegally, carrying illegal drugs, and tried to recieve benefits from programs it had not contributed to!!! I put him in a pink prison outfit, made him live in a tent... pick up trash along the highways... raise produce... and I feed him baloney sandwiches!!!"

Good one!

Originally Posted by RestoRod

Good one!

I'll be here all week! :-)~

A hot rod couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub, but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......


"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes to hot rod club meetings," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....


After her husband had gone off to his hot rod club meeting the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to the hot rod club meeting.

I'll leave a gap in curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No" replied the girl.

"I've just never grown any hairs down there.

Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in and his wife asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the rest of the hot rod club boys hadn't!!"

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny .

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink..

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley..

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

A little gem straight from my wife

Very Short Story


Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen



(Not a clue as to what she meant when she gave this to me)

Well, Gang, we all knew that it was inevitable, didn't we?

Enjoy and feel free to sing along if you wish - the lyrics are there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qdb6wC0Iz4

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a
street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into
his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out,
and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look
about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and
knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again -
much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!"
says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin
and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having
sex wiffa wife's sista!"


Kinda warms the heart, don't it???

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."