Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

hank

Hank, that's too funny.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."



hank

A DEAD BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to

make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products

she asked,

"Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"


Looking over her carefully, Luke replied,

"Judging from your skin, twenty;

your hair, eighteen;

and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.


"Hey, wait a minute!"

Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."


hank

the first mate of a ship runs up to the captin and says "captain captain were being attacked on the starbord bow by pirate"

the captain says "run down to the galley grab my red coat and meet me on deck." so the first mate gets the cap'ns coat and they shoot their guns and cannons and beat the pirates.

well a few days later the first mate runs up to the captain and says "capn capn were being attacked on the port side by pirates." the capn said to get his red coat and meet him on deck and they fire their guns and beat the pirates.

well the first mate was wondering about this whole red coat thing and he asked the captain why he had him run down and get his coat every time they were attacked by pirates.

well i wear it so if i get shot you won't see any blood so the men won't worry. and the first mate thought that was sensible.

the next day the first mate runs up to the captain and yells capn capn were being attacked on all sides by pirates!

the captain said go down get my brown pants and meet me on deck

hank
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Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger (and older) friends and family.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

hank

Originally posted by DennyW

That's really funny to me. 2 months ago, I couldn't lift my right arm by itself, hahaha. I kept working, and now, I can lift a Miller lite repeadedly.

im glade you said beer, because i thought for sure you was gonna say you couldnt wipe your butt. im glade that wasnt the case.

Originally posted by DennyW
I still can't lift a regular Miller, has to be the lite,

as long as every thing else gets done the beer can waite. i cant drink you cant drink.

Originally posted by DennyW

That's really funny to me. 2 months ago, I couldn't lift my right arm by itself, hahaha. I kept working, and now, I can lift a Miller lite repeadedly.

yeap, Denny, those 12 oz currels work pretty well for us old farts.

10 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman During an Argument

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Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

hank

When is the "F" word Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:



11. "What the @#$% do you mean

we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945




9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877




8. "Any @#$%ing idiot

could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938




7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926




6. "How the @#$%

did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC




5. "You want! WHAT

on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566




4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937




3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,

my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC




2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1999



and a drum roll............! ......




1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

you could get hurt.

OK guys, here is my off-color joke contribution for the day...

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator."


Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren't:

I need to whip it out by 5.
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR
EVERY YEAR, AND EVERYYEAR
MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED ," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT
HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND
MORRIS SAID "ESTHER,
I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT
NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS
I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LLTAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN
STAY QUIET FOR THEENTIRE
RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE
PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY
MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS
DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND
SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DIDEVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED" WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING
WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,BUT50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."