Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

Originally Posted by MelloYello

Guess I need to move down under cause I ain't gettin' but about 15 mpg lately

Yeah,mate come on down...its tomorrow already,and its nice and sunny...
I actually stuffed that previous post up..it probably SHOULD have been about about the consumption of a badly tuned V12... This country has a bad record for binge drinking..

Binge sminge, It's the same wherever you are. I haven't binged since my 30's, I try to but I fall asleep way before I pass out.

Jack.

SENIOR SENSE

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

A FINE EXPLANATION
>
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
> &nbs p;
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
>
> And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Boudreaux's Kid !

A traveling salesman knocked on the Boudreaux's front door, to have it answered by a cigar-puffing, beer-drinking, ten-year-old "Tee" Boudreaux. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home, Son ?" Tapping his cigar ashes on the floor, and taking a healthy swig of his beer, "Tee" answers, "Mais, what de hell you tink, Mister ?"

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about
to jump off a bridge. So he stops.

"What are you doing?", he asks.

"I'm committing suicide." she answers.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me
a kiss?"

So she does.

After she is finished, the biker says, "Wow! that was the best kiss I have
ever had! That is a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"

She says "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"

Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest
of the three of them.

The Cow: I give four gallons of milk every day and that's why
I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry
52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!


































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

THANK HEAVEN - SOMEONE HAS FINALLY CLEARED THIS UP:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or
a motel in Canada or the US. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to
answer telephones and provide us with internet technical advice.

Warning: not for the weak stomachs!

Biker Chili

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spoonin’ it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that's as far as I got, too.”

Before sex, you help each other to get naked.

After sex, you only dress yourself.



Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you after you have screwed.

This joke is for Weasel Diesel for his help removing a drive axle


A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde-haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...
So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

...and here I am.'

In Arkansas, police tracked down an armed and dangerous, suspected cop killer.
A gun battle erupted and the suspect was killed.
At the autopsy it was discovered that the suspect had 365 bullets in him.
The local TV channel interviewed the police chief and asked why they shot the suspect 365 times.
The Chief responded "that's all the bullets we had."

The Stranger


A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our
small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting
newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young
mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors:
Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the
stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for
hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he
always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even
seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major
league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger
never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing
each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the
kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the
stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was
not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our
long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned
my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit
the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a
regular basis.. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes
distinguished.. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His
comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my
parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
family He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he
was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you
would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to
listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.



His name?....

We just call him 'TV.'

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "

Finally some good news about a new business and the economy



A friend of mine just started his own business, Making land-mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.


He says Prophets are going through the roof.