Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their @$$e$!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Old Retired Guys

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Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona ...

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime... wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Canada. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."
__________________

This man is seconds away from a horrible death:

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left,would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'

Due to a power outage , only one paramedic responded to the call . The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby .

Very diligently , Kathleen did as she was asked .

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while , Connor was born .

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom .. Connor began to cry .

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed .

Kathleen quickly responded , ' He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place , smack his ass again !'

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .. They were driving on the Interstate
when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and
turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the injectors'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!'


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'



KNITTING


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were thefirst on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!'


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She
thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

MARRIED 30 + YEARS

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on
the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything,
but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to
build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's
roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years
and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might
be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a
five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your
wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and
saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you have been putting $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money
and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure
you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does
he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that
much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses,
one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno

(Ain't it the Truth?)

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Picture the scene...Rumania [or anywhere]during the uprising...[any uprising]10pm curfew,time,9.55pm,and two soldiers having a smoke in a doorway...In the darkness,50 metres away,a person runs out of a building,walks quickly up the road away from the soldiers..One soldier drops to one knee,draws a bead on the guy,and drops him in the street....The other soldier panicks and says,''What ya do that for,its not yet 10 oclock.''.
The other one says,,''I know that guy,and I know where he lives,,aint no way he can be home before 10''

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist...."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"



The girl replies: "Didn't feel a thing."

Do I need to add anything ? I did not think so.


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Two cavemen dragging their women home by the hair,and one says to the other,''Im gunna teach mine to talk.What harm could that do''?

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
"Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!"