Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

The Jock and the Geek

In his day, Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he slept 7 hours a night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.

If he went to see a movie, it cost him $9.50, but he made $18,550 while he was there.

If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he would have made $618 while boiling it.

He made $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'd made $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would have taken him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have had to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably payed around $200 for a nice round of golf, but was reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.

Assuming he put the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he would have hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He would have made about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He would have made about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person was spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he would have pulled in about $5600.

In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

... However...

... If Jordan had saved 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates had right then.

Game over. Geek wins.

"The Shower Caddy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQO2a8kcCl8
You just can't satisfy some of them !

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why..

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Louisiana family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address..

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Resto,,every time I see that one,it makes me laugh..Reminds me of some of the people I used to know..

CATHOLIC COFFEE
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

An old sea Captain hobbles into his favorite Alehouse in Portsmouth.
"Blimey cap, ain't seen ya in awhile, how be ya", asked the Innkeeper.

"I be well, now gimme a pint"

"Ya say ya be well be but ya look a bit green, I mean wth that peg leg ya gots", says the Keep.

"Aw...we gots into a battle with a Spanish frigate and a cannonball took me leg, but I be well".

"A-r-r-r", says the Keep, "But if ya be well what say ya about that hook on the end of yer arm"

"Repelling boarders off the Horn and me hand was cut off by a Frenchie saber". said the Captain. "But I be well".

"Aye" says the Keep, "If ya be doing well what's that patch doin' over yer eye"?

Cap says, "I was standing on the Poop when I looked up and a gull s*** in me eye"!

Keep asks, "Ya mean a drop from a gull took yer eye out"?

"Naw....it was the first day with me new hook"!

A wee bit of blarney ta'dee !

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her bestfriend Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied,"I think he means her legs, Ethel ...her legs."

Ralph and Jerry were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NL. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jerry says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jerry.

Jerry says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

"I feel great. How about you?"

Jerry says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Ralph says, "Nope, that jet fuel is great stuff; no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

Jerry says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing.. Have you farted yet?"

"No...."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay!"

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Kansas for $200.00.

They brought the cow from Kansas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Kansas ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Kansas ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kansas too"

My buddy Lance, who is in his fifties, went to the Doctor for his yearly prostate exam.

The Doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."

Lance says, "Why, is something wrong with my prostate?"

The Doctor says, "No, it's distracting me."