Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by 42K3

My buddy Lance, who is in his fifties, went to the Doctor for his yearly prostate exam.

The Doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."

Lance says, "Why, is something wrong with my prostate?"

The Doctor says, "No, it's distracting me."

Told this to a buddy, and his response was, "So was it a female doctor??"

Bob's out with his buddies one night and about 10:00 he's feeling a bit frisky and a bit guilty so he heads home only to find his dear wife sound asleep with her mouth open just a bit. He then tip toes quietly to the bathroom and returns with a couple aspirins and slips them into her mouth.

Gagging, she wakes up and asks, "what are you doing?" to which Bob replies, "I was giving you a couple aspirin."

"What ever for? I don't have a headache!" which delighted Bob no end as he sang out, "That's all I needed to hear!"

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and b egan to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

Good One!!

How about this one -

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."

Redneck Word Of The Day:

OBAMA




I just wiped my butt OBAMA self

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

I may take a Sutherner or a Suthern Baptist to appreciate this !
I have seen, heard and known many of these ?ladies? in my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xv7REV2HEY
Enjoy,
meller

Originally Posted by MelloYello

I may take a Sutherner or a Suthern Baptist to appreciate this !
I have seen, heard and known many of these ?ladies? in my life.
Enjoy,
meller

Took me back to my youth, Meller! Grew up Suthern Baptist, but managed to survive

Can I get a amen?................ Pretty funny video!

Amen. Don't think I would get away with that in my church, but it was funny.

Originally Posted by rspears

Took me back to my youth, Meller! Grew up Suthern Baptist, but managed to survive

Believe me, Roger, I can relate - - - we lovingly referred to them as "self-righteous biddies"

The Dept of Defense briefed the President this morning:
They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. .

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his
hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

The clever English language

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

6. The batteries were given out free of charge.

7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.

8. A will is a dead give-away.

9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.

11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

13.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.

15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.

17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.

18.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully recovered.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she would dye.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."