Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Irish are the Best!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

***************


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

******************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'


AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . ..

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The Newfie Painter

George, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

His fame grew and soon people from all over the country
were coming to him in Gander for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked George if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, George asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Would be me pleasure ma'am.
Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."

Dementia quiz

first question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake
the second person. What position are you in?





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answer: If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the
second person and you take his place, you are in second place!

Try to do better next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as
you took for the first question, ok?



Second question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are....?
(scroll down)




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answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are.....
Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person??


You're not very good at this, are you?

Third question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note:
This must be done in your head only.
Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer.....




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did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100...



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...

Fourth question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ???
2. What is the name of the fifth daughter?






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did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn't.
Her name is mary! Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:


A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a
pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?





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it's really very simple
he opens his mouth and asks for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so do not let them see your answers for this test!



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Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Erm .....Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Nope!" and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when Judas betrayed him, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross where, after much suffering, He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Yes! Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "So now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter, unless it coincides with “Rrrroll up the Rrrrrim” week, in which case, Jesus goes back into his hole until after the hockey playoffs."

St. Peter fainted......

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'





(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

A couple were driving through the countryside in the winter. They slowed for a road obstruction and realized it was a mama skunk and her babies that had been run over. The woman noticed one little tiny baby skunk still walking in circles and had her husband stop to rescue it. When they got out, the tiny skunk was nearly frozen. The woman said, quick, lets get in the car and get this poor creature thawed out. The husband suggested she put the little fellow high up between her legs to get quick heat to his little body. She says, but what about the stinky smell? The husband says, just hold his little nose for awhile until he thaws out, he'll be okay.

LMAO - - - note to self: dear Self, after you wipe off the monitor screen, remember not to open the joke thread without clearing all liquids from your mouth first.

An older man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Cathy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Cathy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Cathy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Cathy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Cathy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You're gonna love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

another Oldie but Goodie
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle." said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he could still ride one.

The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you."

After riding the bike around a little while, the little boy said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you."

Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise
After getting nailed, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

One morning a Wife noticed her husband stalking thru the house wiith a rolled up newpaper.

"What are you doing?" she asked
"Hunting" he replied
"What are you hunting?" she said
"Flys" he answered
"Any luck?" she asked
"Yes, I've killed 3 males and 2 females" he boasted
"How can you tell the difference between a male and female?" she asked
"3 were on beer cans and 2 were on the phone !" he replied

(Delete if necessary)

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Cute!!