Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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:lol::lol::lol:

This old boy has a way with words and I lauched so hard I hurt myself.
How Not to Buy a Project Vehicle: The tale of the 1975 International Pickup

Now that's funny....

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please.... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

WHY I NO LONGER OWN FLORIDA PROPERTY

--When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75, take I-4 or take I-95..."

--If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 AM - 10 AM and 4 PM - 7 PM. This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush. No Exceptions.

--Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west.

--Tolls are a fact of life, the state has to make money, so deal with it!

--I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction ... that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

--'A1A' and 'ALT A1A' are the same road.

--Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.

--Distance is measured in time - not miles.

--If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost!

--If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to back up.

--Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

--Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can get through the intersection, eight more will go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.

--Know the difference between SunPass , Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel and Sun Trust.

--Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

--Your blinker light means nothing.

--English is our first and second language.

--It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

--There are alligators in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

--When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.

--You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.

--A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

--You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else has moved here.

--There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

--When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

--It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.

--There is a city called 'The Villages' where 77,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets.

--Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

--Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays . . not weeknights or weekends . . that's for the working folks.

--There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.

--You can't say; 'this is how we did it up North'. If you think that way, then go back North. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

--No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

--Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

--There are three things you need to survive a Florida winter: long sleeved T-shirts, sunscreen and the ability to mock all those extremely pale visitors with the bright pink 'Florida Tans'.

--The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.

This would be even funnier if it weren't so true.

Ah so true! I'm still laughing about all the toll roads!

Four Old Retired Guys

Four old retired guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner
and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and
let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time
the bartender serves up four iced martinis
shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They
can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again,
four excellent martinis are produced,

with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40
cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other
people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for
Happy Hour when drinks are half-price!

Medical advice


A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his Crownie stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Royale Crown, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Sadly enuff, they are talking about a couple of my Grandkids !

When the branches on your "Family Tree" don't fork, just plant some donut seeds!
Donut seeds - Offbeat

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ....... a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington

Never thought I'd see the word "anthropomorphic" on this forum! Where'd I put that dictionary...

5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.

1.Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

My Gosh, I'm Rich!

Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Butt
Iron in the Arteries
And an Inexhaustible Supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong ?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,
"An ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.