Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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The Pilot


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was
a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare
hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?


"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



Feeling smarter yet?


Send it on to
your brilliant friends.

*** Adult Truths ***

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (You never met my MIL - she'll never know, never did, but at 97, excusable)

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (I'm never wrong - just ask my wife!!!)

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (Agreed)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (Those Chinese can do it)

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Yes)

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (Some of my neighbors........)

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (Just to make sure I don't have the symptoms)

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. (Age 19, maybe)

10. Bad decisions make good stories. (Have lots of them)

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (It was usually Friday about 8:02)

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. (What's Blu-Ray?? Something like VHS?)

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. (Yep)

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (TG for caller ID)

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (Don't they?)

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (Not that water, REAL beer)

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (Also the GPS)

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (they're the same - if you are still bored after a snack, have another. You waistline wont tell)

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? (twice)

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! (one of my favorite driving diversions)

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (YEP)

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. (actually it's less then .11 second)

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

In () are my comments

A man was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.

The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the Lab replied.

After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies; and
now I'm just retired."

The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner replied.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of
the yard."

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing bass-ackwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ass hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting Women over 50.....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends... in big type so they can read it.

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Okay, so a Texas rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine on his trip to the NE. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"
Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Texan (boasting) says: Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"
Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."

LOGIC 101

An interesting letter in the AUSTRALIAN Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq ..

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington ..

The teacher told Pepito to make sentences with his spelling words...

(say them out loud and it's sooooo much funnier!)



1. *cheese* Maria likes me, but cheese fat.



2. *mushroom* When all my family gets in the car there isn't mushroom.



3. *shoulder* My friend didn't know how to make tacos so I shoulder.



4. *texas* My friend always texas me forwards.



5. *herpes* Me and my friend shared a pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.



6. *july* Ju told me ju were goin to the store, and july to me! Julyer!



7. *rectum* I had two cars but my wife rectum.



8. *chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife, but chicken go by herself.



9. *wheelchair* We only have one sode but it's ok wheelchair.



10. *chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing.



11. *liver* A bully was messing wit my sister and I told him to liver alone.



12. *body wash* I wanted to go to the bar but no body wash my kids.



13. *budweiser* That woman over there has a nice body budweiser face so ugly?

*MERCY!! Took a TEXAN to do it!
*

*MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!*

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes
riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of
the plane.

Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear
of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with
dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt, One…button …at a … time…

No one moves.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . . ..'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

*MERCY!! Took a TEXAN to do it!
*

*MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!*

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes
riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of
the plane.

Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear
of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with
dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt, One…button …at a … time…

No one moves.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . . ..'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

A car joke:

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss the use of his car. His father said: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair....and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." His Dad calmly replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

All True REALLY



1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - I f you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - A t any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - A s soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.(this also applies to all hotels as well - and those folks next door go out for the evening, leaving the TV on - LOUD - as a theft deterrent until 3:00AM. I generally "make adjustments" to that problem at about 05:30)

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

After a particularly nasty battle during the French and Indian War, the French captured a British officer. In questioning the captured officer, the French asked, "Why do you Brits wear red coats? You know it makes you easy to spot from a long distance?"

The British officer stood erect and replied, "We wear red so if in the off chance we are hit in battle, our soldiers will not see the blood and they will continue to follow their officers into battle!"

And that my friends is why the French officers wear brown trousers to this day....