Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I just went to the doctor and found I am like a perfectly tuned motor. Neither RICH nor LEAN!
Thanks I'll be here all week.

The Laws for British Sports Cars
Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Isaac Newton, the guy who invented gravity. He said things like "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" and "If you sit under a tree long enough, an apple will eventually fall on your head, provided you are sitting under an apple tree."
Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible for the invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people who thought math wasn't already hard enough. He is also the reason why, even today, people who work in apple orchards often wear large, protective hats.

Newton's Laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed them. They believed them right up until the time when British sports cars were invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new bunch of laws was going to be needed.

Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to man.

These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland, Mowog, and Murphy, shook the scientific community when they published their new theory of mechanical behavior called "The Laws for British Sports Cars." Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed below with a brief explanation of each.


1. Law of Peculiar Random Nomenclature
The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning.
This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like 'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.


2. Law of Cryptic Instruction
Any book, manual, pamphlet, or text dealing with the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader. In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be incorrect.
Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page 132 of the MGA shop manual: "Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must remove the bonnet facia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner." All attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have failed.


3. Love of Hardship Law
The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks, and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner.
You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half, and have replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is started it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender. But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because "It's like part of the family, and besides, it's so much fun to drive." British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as the "Foolish Person Syndrome."


4. Law of Non-Functional Attributes
All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent or semi-functional basis.
This is also known as the famous Lucas Electrics Law.


5. Recently Discovered Component Failure Law
Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of the component's existence, when it shall instantly fail.
Case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never knew there was such a thing as a 'Gulp Valve' until I saw new ones offered for sale by Moss Motors. The next day, driving my MGB to work, the Gulp Valve fell off the motor and was run over by a truck.

I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to know, since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to have somebody else install it (see Law of Cryptic Instructions, above).

While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did and that the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior. I figure this is due to the Non-functional Attribute Law, which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn't gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to replace it after all.

Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the Love of Hardship Law, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00. I just smiled.

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders... "Forget Rednecks ......."

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance And they don't work there, you live in New England .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You live in New England .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with Someone who dialed a wrong number, You live in New England .

If 'Vacation............' means going anywhere south of New York City For the weekend, you live in New England .

If you measure distance in hours, You live in New England . If you know several people who have hit a deer more Than once, you live in New England .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the Same day and back again, you live in New England .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a Raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, But leave both unlocked, you live in New England .

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how To use them, you live in New England .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a Snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and Everybody is passing you, you live in New England .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes Are filled with snow,you live in New England .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still Winter and road construction, you live in New England .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, You live in New England .

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England .

If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England .

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them To all your New England friends & others, you live or have lived in New England.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife with a big smile and hugs her. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

In the sprite of the holiday Obama decided to show he can still work with congress on which turkey to pardon.................they in turn decided to set up a committee..........without a solution if you drive pass the White House and see a frozen butterball on the front lawn on a stick.......well somethings never change.Yepper give thanks.LOL

MY TRAVELS

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt . That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepsh!^ many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

OOOOPS! I think I'm there again..........

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Originally Posted by IC2

MY TRAVELS

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

...
I have been in Deepsh!^ many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

OOOOPS! I think I'm there again..........

I was in Dispensable once, but got thrown out when I was no longer needed.

I did not know this.....

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends

Why do we press harder on a TV remote when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why didn't Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends
-- if
they're okay, then it's you.

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, ‘Baby it'll be yours one day.’ "

Wife, with a smile and blushing, replied: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

DIRTY JOKES-
Here is my best dirty,filthy,nasty,gross joke;
















White horse fell in a big mud hole.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference..
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
it was only an optical Aleutian ..

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.

Two cats sitting on a wall watching a game of tennis..One cat turns to the other and says....''My old mans in that racket''

Yeah,I know......Im going now..

Buy the new Smart Car... ?

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Trucks And A Smart Car

At less than 10 MPH.

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Moral or the story;

Pass On Saving Gas; Save your Ass.