Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the
window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please
take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell
my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the
house.” Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write
me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that. she actually said...

"Dad I have decided to work for Obama's reelection campaign."

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.


Give this info to all the guy you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo...'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care because I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said...


*'Obama '08.'*



I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health..

A refuse collector in Western Australia is driving along a street
picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hadn't been left out, and in the
spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he decides to knock on the front door.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again, much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro prease" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin bloke smiles and
tries again.
"No! No! mate, where's ya dust bin?"

I dust been to the toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen, says the collector, you're misunderstanding me. Where's your
wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man, with a sheepish grin and whispers in
the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Originally Posted by RestoRod

A refuse collector in Western Australia is driving along a street
picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hadn't been left out, and in the
spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he decides to knock on the front door.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again, much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro prease" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin bloke smiles and
tries again.
"No! No! mate, where's ya dust bin?"

I dust been to the toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen, says the collector, you're misunderstanding me. Where's your
wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man, with a sheepish grin and whispers in
the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Tanjooberrymutts....

Turn on the light Michelle !!!

Originally Posted by lamin8r

Tanjooberrymutts....

Yur wecum!

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes
football make sense!


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the
big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

These are alleged to be actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that
were taken off their car videos.


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( NationalCrime
InformationCenter )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama.'

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of "Barack Obama'?"

6. Firmly click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

If you reverse the wires on your horn, does it suck instead of blow?