Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following
a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull
fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

he waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Marriage Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as the husband watched ... with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as

though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband replied, " Well ... I can drop her off here on Mondays, and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

..

Seems perfectly logical to me!!!! An Arab enters a taxi..........Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religionand, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........ So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing?” The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”

A business man got on an elevator

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T...."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T...."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said
As sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T...."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

"T-G-I-F" means "Thank God, It's Friday." Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"S-H-I-T" means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday"--DUUHHH...


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Some statistics about men:

Statistics.jpg

Wow!! King Kong is female !!!!!!!!!!

Holy Cow,

You're right Roger but I did notice her eyes are brown.

Jack.

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.


My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

An old man and an old woman we're fooling around in the closet at a nursing home.

Things were getting hot and heavy. The woman says to the man:

"I should warn you, I have acute angina."

The man replied:

"Thank God, your tits look like hell!"

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.

Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked. "Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."

"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.

"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."


The old man says, "I know sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

A Winter Morning in Montana:

Wife Texts Husband On A Cold Winters Morning
"windows Frozen"

Husband Texts Back
"use Hot Water"

Wife Texts Back,
"Computer Completely %$#&@ Now"

Originally Posted by rspears

Some statistics about men:

Attachment 53679

Yeah,right...where??

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?" George Carlin

Woman is a man's best friend.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels that he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.



No wait...... sorry...... I'm thinking of beer.

Its beer that does all that.

Sorry.

.