Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Speaking of work . . .
We got this letter today

Revisions are as follows:

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.


She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A: A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.

A young lady in the neighborhood related the other day, "Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot."

A dad taking his son for his first drink..................a dad took his son to the local pub. He ordered a Guinness but the son didn't like it, so he drank it. Then he ordered a Bud but the kid didn't like that either , so he drank that. Then he ordered a Coors light, but again the son did not like that ,so he drank that too. So by the time the dad started ordering whiskey, he was too drunk to push the stroller home.

The Simple Truth:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say "Good job."
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.


FIVE Other Simple Truths

1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the jerk's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk or water.


Bonus Truth

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

A college class was asked to write a short story using as few words as possible.
The instructions were that the story had to include the following three themes:

1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
   
   The following is the only A+ short story in the entire class.
   
   
   “Good God I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it?"

.

Just plain funny !

Ravenstoke Alaska

Today's Lesson On Irony

These three statements tell you a lot about government and culture:


1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics,
but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.

And another statement for consideration--

2. We constantly hear about how Canadian Pension Plan (CPP) is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is, the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

Finally ..

3. Provincial Social Services is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free money ever .
Meanwhile, the Parks Branch, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
The stated reason for this policy is because....
"The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

That ends Today's Lesson On Irony

Originally Posted by RestoRod

Today's Lesson On Irony

These three statements tell you a lot about government and culture:


1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics,
but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.

And another statement for consideration--

2. We constantly hear about how Canadian Pension Plan (CPP) is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is, the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

Finally ..

3. Provincial Social Services is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free money ever .
Meanwhile, the Parks Branch, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
The stated reason for this policy is because....
"The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

That ends Today's Lesson On Irony

Resto,,you have nailed it.. in all three counts..but with the same group...

An Engineer finds a note that his wife left him that morning.
"The Shepherd's Pie needs to be taken out of the Frig and put in the Oven at 140 degrees."

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.



My wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.



And that's how the fight started.



I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.



My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I
then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

I'm moving to Ravenstoke!

Another boat intercepted off the Texas coast.

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the Texas coast today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boat was not heading to the USA, but towards Mexico and Central America.

Another surprise finding was the people were white American retirement age seniors. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Central America or Southern Mexico as they wanted to return to the US as illegal immigrants. Then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American retirees.

It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to join us.

went Kayaking yesterday to start getting into shape for the bigger boat trip down in the gulf--------------went a little over 2 miles---some current going upstream but we went that way first so the return wouldn't be too hard-----------