Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by MelloYello

Apologies are so sweet and they're not that difficult to do either !
Case in Point:
Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
I took the time to hang the lights for you today;
I am going to the golf course for a round.
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
I'll be home later.
Love you,
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Hi Honey,
Thank you for that heart-felt apology.
I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it.
I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize.
I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy.
I will try to respect your feelings from now on.
Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me.
It really means a lot.
In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you;
and now I am off to the mall.
I love you too!
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it would have been so much nicer if she had hung it out to dry like this one

TEST FOR ALCOHOLISM!!!

I am not an alcoholic according to the test results. However, I have been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test, I thought I should forward it to you:

Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer......
This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic
(Scroll down for your results)








AA Test.jpg





If you saw
the bar sign,
you are an alcoholic.

Bar? What bar?

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.


Elizabeth, a "beautiful" golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.


"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND other activities, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish! Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

Have you been 'caught' doing any/some/all of these??

Here are the warning signs you're acting old. Perhaps you can stop yourself before it's too late.



1. You unabashedly discuss your bowels with friends.Talking constipation at lunch is no longer gross, but as normal as gossiping.

2. You find ways to insert the word "bunion" into conversations.

3. When the bill comes at a restaurant, you and
your friends itemize it to the last penny. "I just had water, but your seltzer
was $2.50."

4. You have long conversations about the weather and traffic. But ailments trump all, with no time limits.

5. You do 55 in the fast lane and wonder why you're being tailgated and flipped off.

6. You have a "stash" that contains vitamin supplements, analgesics and sunscreen.

7. You walk out of restaurants, bars and stores because the music's too loud.

8. If you try to understand today's music, you get the lyrics wrong and embarrass your kids when you sing them too loud.

9. You buy sensible shoes and loose fitting jeans.

10. A date out with your significant other becomes a trip to Golden Corral

So far, only #9 for me, but got close to #4 a while back

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means! His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you
mean. It's the same in my business."

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People just naturally want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a
German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan),
an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a
Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan,
a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander,
a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a
Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a
Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a
Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a
Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a
Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban,
an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a
Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a
Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a
Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian
and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't
come in here without a Thai."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

President Obama

Two good ol' boys in Tennessee were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting
off of work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was
to sneakover to your house Saturday & make love to
your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant
and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real
hard about the question. Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Originally Posted by cffisher

President Obama

president or oxymoron

Originally Posted by pepi

president or oxymoron

I like your thinking !
Pepi for President

Got this one in a email.................
COFFEE HURTS

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with a friend and his
6-year-old granddaughter. She was pretty animated as she
talked about school and friends and teachers.

As I sipped my coffee, I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked, "What does President's Day

mean?"

I was waiting for her reply with something about Washington or

Lincoln, etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out

of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year
of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.