Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."

Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his catandsaid, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, had sex with the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for therest of the day on sick leave.. (this was sent to me by my cousin, an Iowa DOT employee. Hehehehe

> Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
> eighties and had never been married. She was admired
> for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon
> the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
> into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to
> have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing
> her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
> glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled
> with water. In the water floated, of all things, a
> condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they
> began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
> curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
> floater, but soon it got the better of him and he
> could no longer resist.
> "Miss Beatrice," he said. "I wonder if you would
> tell me about this?," pointing to the bowl.
> "Yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was
> walking through the park a few months ago and I
> found this little package on the ground. The
> directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
> wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
> Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking as if he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little fella, O'Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner, and a thing of beauty she was, but useless in a fight."



Happy St. Patricks Day

hank

And then there the two Irish gays. Patick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick. Hehehehehe.

Hope this isn't a repost--it is still funny

Speeding in Tennessee
Two men are driving through Tennessee when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Tennessee, Boy" the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that a-hole would've tried that crap with me!"

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he
wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll
remove one piece of clothing and throw it out the window.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

This a really funny link that Streets sent me via E-mail. It'll have you laughing. Make sure your sound is on. AmericanGreetings.com - Choose Your eCard


http://www.americangreetings.com/dis...ath=31871&st=c

Do you know the difference between in-laws and out-laws ? Outlaws are wanted.

Matt

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question
time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f*#k happened to Billy?"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."

An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars
and asked the teller "Why it change? Yestoday I get
two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get ahunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says "Fluc you white guys too."

An Iowan was doing some shopping in downtown Des Moines.

He looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump."

"Stop," he yelled. "Remember, you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife!"

"She divorced me and took everything I had that was not in the stock market."

"Your children, remember your children," yelled the Iowan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents, remember your parents," yelled the Iowan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then think of all the Cyclone football games you will miss," yelled the Iowan.

The man shouted, "But, I am a Hawkeye fan!"

The Iowan replied, "Jump, you dumb ass, JUMP!"

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cattle, the rancher says to Amy,

"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. . . right here."



Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"



"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.



Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away!

hank

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied., and in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.

Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said.

"That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, Wake up! You're sh*ttin' all over the bed!"