Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by lamin8r

Yum....seared cow flesh...Hope it wasnt cooked too well done..gotta have a bit of natural''juices'' still in it..

Yep!! It was done just right for me. I used to eat my cow just warmed through enough to make sure that with a bit of care it couldn't recover, but after a few scares with tainted beef, decided to move to medium a few years ago. Still prefer it rare though.

I may get contradicted, but I lived in Texas for a while. plus worked there often over the years - found that most 'locals' prefer their beef looking (and tasting, I'm sure) like a piece of charcoal

Picture worth a thousands words

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Gander Tower : "Syrian Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Syrian Air : "Thank you Gander . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R
- Allah be Praised."

Gander Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Gander . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....

Syrian Air : " GANDER TOWER - GANDER TOWER !"

Gander Tower : "Go ahead Syrian Air 511.."

Syrian Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!

Gander Tower : "Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus.
Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

Trick or treat?

THE NUN

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says,

'That's OK. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of it's family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around what can only be called the fresh grave and in their complex penguin form of communication seem to actually sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical
All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Ethel.





"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

=========================================================

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Ha ha..Love it Dave.. Gotta remember that one..

That one is good, lmao....

An elderly couple go to the doctors and explain that the old man is having trouble 'rising to the occassion'.

The doctor says "I can do something about that. You have probably heard about the new wonder drug called Viagra. Here is a bottle of Viagra pills. Take these home, give them a try and come back in a few days to tell me how you get on".

Three days later the couple return to the doctors.

"How did you get on?" asks the doctor.

The old man says "Not too good. We took the tablets home and that night I tried with my left hand but that was no good
. I tried with my right hand and I tried with both hands together but that did not work.
My wife tried with her left hand; she tried with her right hand and she tried with both hands together.
But it was still no good. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out.
we even went over and got the neighbor to help
But we still could not get the top off the bottle!"

George Burns said
Sex at my age is like trying to play pool using a length of rope

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ? the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph

And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy.
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor....
Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,













'Please unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'


They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.


After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..


The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!


'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..


Wait for it

... ....


It's coming

..... ....


She said ... ...:



'You just happened to catch my eye.'


==================================================

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?", she asked.
"Yup, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell the difference?"
He responded, "Well, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."