Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied, "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said.
I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful"

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.




Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.





Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.



Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.



Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.



Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator (engineers).



Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.



Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.



Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't, and if you are feeling amorous afterwards then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.



Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?



Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.



This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking'

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This of course, does NOT apply to any of us:



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor ------------
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...
………….Then He made the earth round.
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XMAS.jpg

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Truthfully, we had a guy near by who did that two years ago, but on a single story ranch - not nearly so dramatic. However, after about two weeks he had so many complaints that he took the dummy down, and strung his lights normally.....

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter repl! ied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro",.... bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A mucho grande delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.......Sometimes, the bull wins'.

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible written by the children.

They have not been retouched or corrected.incorrectspellings have been left in...


1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mountcyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery..

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

This was reported to be an actual sign on the door of a Burger King in Detroit.

Originally Posted by MelloYello

This was reported to be an actual sign on the door of a Burger King in Detroit.

I can believe that since I just read yesterday that there is only a 7% 8th grade ability in reading, therefore spelling skills in the schools.

"....the Department of Education says that in the Detroit public schools — which have books — only 7 percent of the eight graders are grade-level proficient in reading and only 4 percent are grade-level proficient in math." I can't post the website as Bill will chastise me again

Originally Posted by IC2

I can't post the website as Bill will chastise me again

no, but you could send it to me in a PM ????????????????????

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.






It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sleeping with Socrates wife.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Question----Do you know the differance between ignorance and appaphy(?)

Common answer----I don't know and I don't give a shit

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker-- Bill y Connolly.

"If women are so perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"