Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally posted by TOW'D


"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away!

hank

TOW'D that was fantastic. I'd never heard that one ever before. Hehehehehehehe

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot it all and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory, you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!



Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?



Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives

Irish Gas Station


Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jesus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"

cant believe i just read all these lmao, awesome jokes.

Originally posted by DennyW
Be careful what you tell the wife !

, that may be the funniest thing i ever read

A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Subject: Virgins all over again ! ! !

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, ......
"Look at this, ...still in the CRATE!"

Another bloke is on the golf course when he too is hit by a golf ball,

He doubled over clutching his fists into his crotch area, when a woman runs over from a group just about to tee off,

shouting 'I am a registered nurse, let me help you' she immediatly undoes his zip and starts to massage

his privates. 'There how is that, does it feel any better?'

He answered 'Oh that is absolute bliss; but it was actually my thumb that got hit.'

Genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if
she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a
storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did
not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I
want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the
Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady,
be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and
help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I
wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said,

"Let me see the f___ing map again.

Man walks into a bar & sees a mule in the corner next to the bar. Being a curious fellow he asks the barkeep what the deal way.
"Well, we have a contest here. You drop $20 in the kitty & if you can make the mule laugh, you get the whole thing".
The man eyes the huge pickle jar full of money & slaps one on the counter, "I'll take that bet!". He wlaks over to the mule, leans down & whispers in it's ear whereupon the mule starts braying in utter amusement.
The man walks back & asks for his money. the barkeep is dumbfounded at this. "In 5 years NOBODY has made him laugh! Yanno what tho, I'll bet you everything in the till against that jar that you cant make him cry too."
The man looks around the well populated bar, scratches his chin & thinks on it a bit. "OK, I'll do it, get my money ready for me". He them walks over to the still amused mule, & with his back to the room opens his long coat & does something in front of the mule that the bartender couldn't see. Within mere seconds the mule starts sobbing.
As the man walks back the barkeep is totaly confused & in shock at what he's just seen. "WHAT did you do to get that mule to laugh & then cry so easily???"
"well", the man says as he collects his cash, "I'll tell ya".
"First I told him I had a bigger pecker than him. Then I showed him". & then he walked out.

One for the armed services:

3 generals & an admiral, representing the four services, are at the officers club when the subject of bravery comes up. Soon it develops into an argument of who's men are the bravest of all. Seeing that there is no way but to actualy prove it to eachother they pile into a car & head to the nearest base to test the theory.

An Army base was the closest, the Army general directs the party out to the firing range. He walks up to a private & directs him to run out in front of the live fare exercise. "YES SIR!" & the private runs across the range & is promptly mowed down.
The general turns to his fellows & says "That was a brave soldier!".

The Marine General shakes his head & tell them to follow him, his base was the next closest. They arrive at the Marine base & head out to the practice fields where they find a squad practicing with grenades. The general orders a young marine over to them & takes a grenade from him, pulls the pin, drops the now live grenade to his feet. "Save us private!" The Marine promptly dives on the grenade shielding the officers with his body. The general looks at the other men & says "Now THAT was a brave Marine".

The Airforce General shakes his head & says his base is next, he'll show them what bravery is about. So they all pile in the car & head to the nearby airfield. They arive & go up into the tower where the general sees a young officer in a jet doing a training flight . he gets on the radio & identifies himself to the young pilot. "Luitenant, I want you to drive that bird into the deck in front of us". The young officer rogers the command & plows the jet into the deck below them, dying in the firey crash.
"Now That, THAT was a brave man!"

They all turn & look at the Admiral who up to this point has made no comment. He simply motions for them to follow & they head to the docks. They arive pierside in front of a grand old battleship. The Admiral looks up on the mast & spies a young seaman dutifuly painting some 90 feet above the deck. He leads the group up the gangway & gets a bull horn from the deck officer to get the young mans attention. "You there, seaman!"
The young sailor looks down, smartly salutes & yells back "Yes sir! What can I do for you?"
"Sailor, I want you to undo your life line & jump down here at my feet right now!"
The sailor looks down at the group of officers with a perplexed look for a moment then replies, "Sir, with all due respect, you can go f**k yourself!"
The admiral turns to the others with a huge grin. "Now that gentlemen, THAT is a brave man!!"

Denny. Well Done! Timely and quite appropos.

Far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.



One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire,but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.



Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.



Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.



The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...







The moral of the story... Pay Your Bills.

i got one for you guys
ok did you hear about that small plane coming within 4 miles of the White House?
Thats closer than John Kerry ever got!