Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by 34_40

On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times...

Puts me in mind of a true story that might be amusing to some, it sure is and was to my family.

In the mid fifties, my folks decided to move from the semi-urban area of Los Angeles to the suburbs some thirty miles to the east. In doing so, my Dad, who worked for the Postal Service, took a job as a mail carrier, and my Mom, who usually held a full time job as well, took a bit of time off and stayed home for a few months. My Dad delivered various routes in the community, and once or twice a week, he did the route that we lived on, and it was a bicycle route - anyone remember the post office bikes? In addition, my Grandfather operated a milk distributorship, and on Tuesday and Friday, he stopped by the house to leave milk and stuff. One day, I was sitting on the curb down the street visiting with another kid, and a few of the neighbor ladies were at the mail boxes between their houses, talking. I heard them mention "that woman down at the end of the street, 'the merry widow of Galatea'"; "she is a very busy woman", said one, and another made some other snide remark about this woman entertaining all sorts of men during the day, that the postman visited her at least a couple of times a week around lunchtime, and that the milkman also came around twice a week and stayed for a while; sometimes, both men were there at the same time. There was a lot of clucking and tsking, and they went on gossiping about other folks on our street. It finally dawned on my thirteen year old brain who they were talking about. I told my folks about it, and they were somewhat taken aback, but we got a real laugh out of the episode, and my Mom actually joined in the gossip that went around the neighborhood, and let on subtly what her husband and father-in-law did for a living. That episode was a source of a lot of amusement for us over the years.

.

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet....nobody was married.

Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara...

in fact, the only one married was Otis and he stayed drunk.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet, please advise."

Upsetting Statistics:



To all my male friends! Are you sure of your ethnic origin?

Statistics released from The United Nations reveal that:
Australian, Canadian, New Zealand, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age,
will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas
Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice
per year.

This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea
they were Japanese.

Understanding English hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city
on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a
quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...
no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of
gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his
steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.

Don't women just love shopping for shoes ?

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

He replies, "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git maself a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…..."SUPPLIES!''

OHHHhhhh Groannnnnn... ouch!

Originally Posted by 34_40

OHHHhhhh Groannnnnn... ouch!

Uhhhh, yeahp!

.

.









very
big
sigh.

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.

The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a huge 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing “Go Sarah” shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right between the Bear's eyes. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied, "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting.

By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is of the infidel. The cabbie politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing?” To which the cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so bugger off and flag down a camel!”

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL


This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life..

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!