Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Came in from having a few with the boys and there was a note on the Frig that read:
"This just isn't working and I can't stand it anymore so I'm going to my Mothers"
I opened the Frig and the light came on and the beer was still cold - - - ??? wonder what's she's talking about???

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

Well, Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers. Escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four 'leaks' behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

'No,' I replied, I'm, just a very poor golfer."

An elderly (and slightly tipsy) man is stopped by the police around 2 AM and is asked where he was going at this late hour.

The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body and social relations".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who on earth is giving such a lecture
at this time of night?"

The man replies simply, "My wife."

This is for Mike and the other Guitar Pickers:

Do you know why a guitar picker keeps a capo on the dash of his car?
So he can park in a handicapped zone.

You're letting the secret out now Em!! ROFL....

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," and this is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is.. "Embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Mello Yello is KING!!! ROFLMAO..

Bank robber walks in, tells the teller at gun point "Give me all the money". She does and then he shoots her.

Robber turns to the gentleman behind him and says "Did you see anything?" and the gentleman says "I saw it all". The bank robber shoots him.

Robber turns to the next gentleman and says "Did you see anything?" the next gentleman says "No, but my wife saw it all"

An elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space when a young man in his brand new BMW drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for. She was so angered that she approached the young fellow and stated, through gritted teeth, 'I was about to park there.'

The man looked at her with disdain and replied, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."

This annoyed her even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW.

The young man came back to his car and found a note, "This is what you can do when you're old and rich."

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie

I refuse to purchase a Webster's Dictionary because, as soon as I do, they will release the "Movie" !

FACT: 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

That's pretty sneaky, Mr. Duck.