Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

Another Lil' Johnny Joke . . .


Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.





I know, I saw it right away too.... No safety glasses or hearing protection.

And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

O.K. . . . One more, then Lil' Johnny's gotta go home!!


Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm playing cards."

"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.

His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Little Jimmy tells his little sister Betty one morning: "we almost lost mommy last night. I heard some loud moaning coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom so I went in, there was mommy with her arms and legs up in the air screaming 'Lord I'm coming I'm coming', if it wern't for daddy holding her down we'd have lost her for sure"

Jack.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

__________________

three birds are sitting on a power line .. bird # 1 says " my instincts tell me to head south for the winter .... bird # 2 says " my instincts tell me to head west for the winter ... bird # 3 says ..." my end stinks to but it dont tell me to go nowhere !!

Got this one in an Email.

I just received my sale papers today (whoopie - NOT)

Anyhow, I particularly noticed this Ad from Kroger Foods.

Either this "donor" pig ran into a brick wall and met his fate

or stopped "way too fast" at one time or another.

One time a couple of World War II veterans, Dwayne and Lonnie, were attending a Reunion and Dwayne asked Lonnie.
"Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the War, to make us forget about women?"
Lonnie replied "I think you mean salt peter."
Dwayne answered, "Yep, that's the stuff. Well, I think it's finally beginning to work!"

Ollie bumps into his long lost friend Sven on the streets of Poulsbo. After greeting each other warmly Ollie asks “So now Sven, how is your lovely vife Greetta?” to which Sven replies, “Oh my vife – she’s died.”

“No!” exclaims Ollie. “From vhat did she die?” “Well,” say’s Sven, “she died from the gongarea.”

“No vhay! This is America and no von dies from the gongaria!” protests Ollie.

“Well – dey do vhen dey give it to me…..”

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.

I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another,
I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,
but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine
so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The other said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!".

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again the deaf one said, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" and the other explains, "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" and the other "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US????"