Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

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Roll eyes now.

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.

Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."

Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."

While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.

Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV, i-Pad were shut down; it was raining, so I couldn’t golf.

Therefore, I ended up talking with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Another Government study provides outstanding results . . .

RSPCA Officials reported that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Dubbo and Broken Hill, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

The Government approved and the RSPCA contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
(Didn't know there was a difference!)

The Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck".

I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent

A father and his son were in a boat fishing one day.

the son said "Daddy how do fish breathe under water?"

his father replied "son, I don't know !"

and few minutes went by and the boy said "Daddy why does this boat float and not sink?"

his father replied "son, I don't know !"

a few more minutes went by and the boy asked "Daddy why is the sky blue?"

his father replied "son, I don't know !"

then after about 10 minutes the boy asked "Daddy do you mind me asking all these questions?

his father replied "of course not, if you don't ask questions, how do you expect to learn anything ?"

Whether you are blond - brunette - or sans either, I hope you find the following as funny as I did . . .

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

THE ZOO..

A guy gets a job at the zoo,as a zoo keeper,and his first job is to help feed the animals,birds,etc..
First stop is the lake,and as he starts feeding out,,a large fish leaps out of the water and bites him on the leg,,so he beats it to death with a spade..He then thinks,,better get rid of the evidence,,but where?? Yup,,the lions,,they will eat anything,,so the fish gets tossed over the wall into the lion's den..Next stop is to huck out and feed the monkeys,,but as he enters the cage,,two of them go crazy and throw coconuts,and bits of wood at him,,so he deals to them with his trusty spade as well.. Hmmm,,better throw them to the lions,too,,cos,,lions eat anything..Next stop is the South American bee hive,,to collect honey..But as he gets up to the hive,,the bees go crazy,and attack him,,stinging him several times,,so he goes wild,and,swinging his trusty spade,,kills the lot..You guessed it,,he scoops them up with his spade,,and throws them into the lion's den,,,,cos,,,lions eat anything...
The next day,,a new lion is introduced to the den,,and he asks the biggest lion there,,''What's the food like around here?''
The head lion answers him,,'' Real good most of the time,,like yesterday was the best for a while..We had fish and chimps,with mushy bees''

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.







(I just love this part....)








"Your badge! Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"

oldie but goodie
A young man went to Victoria's Secret to buy a Christmas present.
The clerk brought out a nightie that cost $50.00 and the man said, "OH, I can afford more than that".
So she brought a skimpy pair of panties for $100.00
He again said, "OH, I can afford more than that".
So she went in the back room and beautifully wrapped an empty box and said that will be $250.00.
He took it home, handed it to his wife and asked her to try the gift on. She took the package upstairs, opened it and saw nothing in it.
She came down stairs in her birthday suit and said, "How do you like it?"

He said, "Fine, but for that much money you would think they would iron it".

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f****d laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

The Blue pigeons:

The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.


One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city.. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.


All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE Question.

The mayor asked:


'Do you have a blue Muslim ??

Paddy goes to a florist:

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A f**k ", Paddy replies.