Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Conversation Overheard In A Bar:



I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.


One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."


A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"

PENSIONERS:

Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,

“Must be doing well ! . . Only two left."

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The difference between Officers and NCOs:


A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......

"What..... You're coming empty handed?"
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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'"?

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Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading this forum.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine... He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

Originally Posted by Kiwidreamer

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears!"

The Jump


A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.'

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh., no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, "Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first”

Originally Posted by rspears

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears!"

Not sure why that part didn't post on my message? but thanks :-)

CARING WORDS FROM A PILOT

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next
to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

28000 hours , almost 73 (next month) and still finding out things----------------------

A wife asks her husband, "Would you please go shopping for me and buy a
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time.

My work is done here.

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Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous”

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

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A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.


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ANNIVERSARY GIFT.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their
first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was
excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day
Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her
husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though"

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought
with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live
with you"

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Today's Short Reading from the Bible...


From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth.

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed.



.

"Dear Memory Foam Mattress... thanks for not remembering everything."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean.


So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make
You your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., ratted out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed.....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $339.99
Hot Breakfast $5.20
Two Aspirins 0.68
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

Some folks just don't adapt very well do they?
Hitler is Mad that it's Snowing in Atlanta - YouTube

Gotta say that the closing shot in RestoRod's listing above, about God promising that good & obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth brought a smile. There's no verse actually stating that, but it's a cute story and in the same light:
Talking to Adam, God said that He'd make the perfect woman. She'd cook, clean, be ever changing and amazing in the bedroom, always be up for sex and never complain or nag. Adam asked how much this would cost and God said "Oh, it'll cost you an arm and a leg", so Adam asked what he could get for a rib.....